


Heart Sick

by MisterWiggums, scribblebunny



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Body Horror, Hurt/Comfort, Illnesses, M/M, Mutual Pining, Past Abuse, Slow Burn, hanahaki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-26 07:44:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 32,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14397480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MisterWiggums/pseuds/MisterWiggums, https://archiveofourown.org/users/scribblebunny/pseuds/scribblebunny
Summary: Fenris is plagued by a mysterious disease with no known cure, and Anders is the only one who can save him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is our take on the hanahaki disease, more information about it can be found [here](https://fanlore.org/wiki/Hanahaki_Disease)
> 
> (adapted from an RP)

Anders felt pleasantly warm and just hazy enough to actually relax. Card night at Fenris’ mansion was an excuse to let go a little. He and his friends sat around a table in the dusty, dilapidated mansion, not gambling, as far as Aveline was concerned, and exchanging funny stories. It had been a particularly rough week, a collapsed tunnel in Darktown killed a dozen people. It had been hard to have to ease so many suffering people into a merciful death, but there was nothing he could do for most of them. The little ones hurt the most.

But he refused to think of that. Right then it was booze, cards and good company. Donnic was talking about a robber he had to chase down through the docks who thoughts his best means of escape was to strip down naked, roll around in seal blubber and run.

“Slipped right through my hands like a bar of soap!” Donnic said with laughter in his voice. Anders snorted while taking a drink of his ale, inhaling a good mouthful of it. He choked a little, but the laughter wouldn’t stop so he broke down into a series of very unattractive giggle snorts.

“Maker be praised!” Varric exclaimed. “Is that Blondie laughing?”

Anders rolled his eyes and directed a rude gesture at the dwarf. “I’m going to be laughing more when I kick your arse this next round of cards dwarf,” he said with false bravado.

“Dreaming big,” Varric snarked back, “I like that.”

Anders huffed another laugh. He felt eyes on him and glanced up to where their host sat and made eye contact.

Fenris blinked and quickly looked away when Anders’ eyes met his. It seemed he’d been doing a lot of that lately. He supposed it couldn’t be helped, it wasn’t as though Anders was unpleasant to look at, especially when he smiled like that. Still, he’d rather not find out what kind of teasing he’d have to endure if Anders found out that Fenris thought him handsome.

Fenris could tell Anders was still looking at him, probably glaring, so he tried to sound casual even though he knew he was a beat too late to cover up his staring,

“Very confident for someone who loses so often. How much did you owe me again?” Fenris leaned forward in his chair, making pointed eye contact this time, “if you can beat me this round too I just may consider forgiving those debts.”

It wasn’t as if Fenris would be giving up a lot, he had never expected to see that kind of coin from Anders when he poured everything he had into his clinic, it wouldn’t be right to accept it from Anders even if he did offer it. Fenris just couldn’t resist ribbing Anders about it when presented the opportunity.

Oh it was on. He didn’t even ask anything for winning which meant he was mocking Anders and that could not stand. He narrowed his eyes at Fenris and challenged him back. “Deal.”

Varric whistled and began shuffling the cards. “Alright boys you heard them.” He motioned for Sebastian to move over towards Fenris. “Choir Boy, go be the elf’s conscience.” He motioned to Donnic next. “Guardsman over here with Blondie. I’ll deal. The stakes are everything Anders owes to Fenris, double or nothing.”

Wait. Fenris didn’t say double and Anders didn’t agree to it, but before he could say anything Varric started dealing cards. Feeling sick, he picked up his hand: two songs, a serpent, an angel, and a knight. Not terrible. Not great either but an ok start. He drew a card, another song, and discarded the serpent.

He waited for Fenris to take his turn feeling uneasy.

Fenris surveyed his hand in between watching Anders. He told himself he was only watching to get a read on the hand Anders had. He had many tells that he was never able to keep hidden, and if his eyes lingered on the way Anders chewed at his plump lower lip, well it was only because it told of his nervousness over a mediocre hand.

Fenris had no such problem, he had two matching daggers, and two serpents. He discarded the mismatched knight to draw another dagger. A decent hand for so early in the game. Unlike Anders, Fenris had learned to keep his hand from showing on his face. He wasn’t the best player in their group, but he could at least keep from giving an advantage to his opponent by broadcasting his hands with an overly expressive face.

Fenris wasn’t the only one who picked up on Anders’ nervousness. Isabela leaned over to pat him on the shoulder.

“There there, maybe Fenris will come up with a more creative way for you to... pay him back,” she said with a wink.

Fenris made an exaggeratedly pained groan at the suggestion.

Anders flushed at the innuendo; leave it to Isabela to turn an honor game into something nasty. Fenris’ sound of disgust hurt a bit though. Certainly he wouldn’t want such a thing from Anders, but he didn’t have to sound so tortured. Naturally he had to punish him for it. “There’s an idea,” he said as blasé as he could muster. “Although I’m pretty sure if I tried the lightning trick on him, I’d end all of this with a hole in my chest.” He gave Fenris a smarmy look. “It’s a shame, really. I’m very good with my hands.”

“He is.” Isabela agreed.

He drew a card. Damn, a serpent. He should have kept the one he had. He deliberated a moment. What were the chances of him drawing another serpent? Fairly low, probably.

He stared hard at Fenris for a moment, taking in those green, green eyes. If only the elf gave him some sort of indication of what his hand what like. He could have anything from nothing to a full suit and Anders would be none the wiser.

He pulled the serpent to discard, but then Isabela says, “Oh you sure you want to do that?” He lost his nerve and discarded the knight instead.

“Isabela.” Sebastian said warningly.

“I do not mind, Anders could use the help, if only there were a chance of it actually helping him win.” Fenris said.

Fenris went to play his daggers, but then he remembered the look of hurt on Anders’ face at Fenris’ insult and the brittle tone his voice had taken. He had been in such high spirits before, and Fenris hated the thought that he had caused Anders’ fall in mood. Fenris discarded one of his three daggers and pulled an angel.

Sebastian made a questioning sound at that, but Fenris only shrugged one shoulder. So much for not giving Anders any tells. Oh well, it would only key Anders in to Fenris’ now worse hand and give him another advantage. Fenris suspected trying to lose to Anders would be more difficult than trying to win.

Anders caught the questioning look Sebastian gave Fenris and the elf’s answering shrug. Weird, but he decided not to think too hard about it. He reached out and drew the Angel of Death. Isabela squeezed his shoulder and he took the hint. He really isn’t likely to get a better hand and judging by their exchange after that last turn, Fenris’ hand probably isn’t great right now.

He played his three songs and his angel with the angel of death. “Angel of Death, how’s this for needing help?” He smirked at Fenris and waited for him to reveal his hand.

It turned out Anders had only needed a bit of a nudge to pull off his win. Fenris felt a rush of warmth blossom in his chest. Of course, Anders’ happiness was at his expense, but it was only fair as he had almost taken it away with his carelessness.

His lips quirked up into a half smile as he revealed his 2 daggers, 2 serpents, and 1 angel. Not a bad hand, he had just barely lost to Anders. For a wild second he regretted throwing, he really wouldn’t have minded finding another way for Anders to repay him. That line of thought immediately skidded to a halt. Anders apparently thought him the type who would rip out his heart at the smallest provocation, he would never. Fenris could almost feel that rush of warmth in his chest whither, and with it, an odd pain began to bloom instead. His smile turned brittle, but he tried to be gracious, he wasn’t a sore loser like Aveline.

“It seems you have made me eat my words. Well done, your debt is forgiven.”

Anders could hardly believe it. He half expected Fenris to drop four of one suit and beat him. Isabela cackled and clapped Anders on the shoulder while Varric teased Fenris over his prior bravado. Anders gathered the cards to shuffle them again and start another round when he noticed the top card on the discard pile: a dagger. Fenris discarded a dagger, but had a pair of daggers in his hand. Even if he drew the third dagger after discarding one, he still broke a pair for no reason.

Fenris threw the game.

Anders watched the others gently tease Fenris for a moment, but he didn’t seem to mind. Why would he lose on purpose? Did he pity Anders? Did he feel bad about taking his coin? Did he think Anders was so much of a joke he lost a card game on purpose to spare him his feelings? What’s worse was that Sebastian definitely knew Fenris threw the game. Isabela and Varric are far too sharp eyed to not have noticed as well.

How humiliating.

They play one more round before Donnic announced he has a wife to go home to. Taking his lead, Sebastian left as well. Varric gathered the cards and wished them good night before he and Isabela left together.

Finally alone, Anders steeled himself to confront Fenris. “You threw that game. Why?”

Fenris considered lying, but he knew Anders would be able to tell. Hiding his emotions was one thing, but outright lying was another. He had been found out, and there was no point in trying deny the truth, it would only make his already strained relationship with Anders worse.

He shrugged and busied himself with fussing over the abandoned glasses left on the table so he wouldn’t have to look at Anders, “If you had lost it would have spoiled your night. I could not be the one to do that to you.”

“How charitable of you,” Anders said sarcastically. “You just made me look like a fool in front of everyone instead. A loss would have been better than a pity win.” Anders was used to losing, it wasn’t a big deal. Yes it was nice to actually win a game sometimes, but that was not why he attended card night. Maybe he was overreacting a bit, but it’s just one more thing Fenris seemed to think he was incapable of.

He frustrated him. Whenever it seemed like a peace may descend upon them, something else gouged open the wound. What did he even mean he couldn’t be the one to ruin his night? Did he think he was so petty?

He growled in frustration. “Never mind Fenris.” He took his staff and left.

Fenris stared after Anders, he considered going after him, but decided against it. He would only make things worse. He sighed and slumped into a chair, resting his head in his hands. He only wanted to see Anders smile more, but with a few careless words he had ruined it. The mage was just determined to jump to the worst conclusions about him.

Even with Fenris’ limited experience he knew what the feeling he got when he saw Anders’ face light up with warmth was. He knew how foolish it was too, he would never be able to make Anders laugh like that. He was mad to want it, Anders was a mage of all things, and he was abrasive and stubborn and foolish. He was also passionate and selfless and beautiful. Honestly, what a terrible combination of traits. It was better that Anders hated him, it would make getting over this... this fixation easier when there was no chance of reciprocation.

That odd pain in his chest was back, and his breath hitched, it was suddenly harder to suck in a breath. He gasped and began to cough as something tickled at the back of his throat. His hands flew up to his mouth as he coughed. The fit soon subsided and his breathing returned to normal, but when he pulled his hands away, he saw he had three white petals cradled in his palms.

~

A week later found Anders trailing after Hawke up Sundermount looking for rare ingredients. It felt good to get out. He scarcely left the clinic anymore, always busy with one thing or another. It also gave him another opportunity.

Anders had not spoken to Fenris since the previous card night at his mansion. He had been so angry at the time, felt so humiliated, he really didn’t comprehend what Fenris had said. He felt like a giant ass for yelling at someone that was trying to do him a kindness. They had never gotten along, but Fenris had never been malicious towards Anders. He had been unfair and he wanted to apologize.

He waited until Hawke stopped to show Merrill how to disarm a trap. Well. Hawke was flirting with Merrill while disarming a trap. They were disgustingly cute and Anders was probably more than a little jealous even though he knew pursuing a relationship would be a disaster for him.

Sure that he would have some privacy while they were distracted, he finally went to Fenris. He walked up beside him and blurted out, “I owe you an apology.”

Fenris turned to face Anders, not even trying to hide the surprise on his face. He had been standing ready, surveying their surroundings to make sure no one ambushed them, Hawke was far too distracted with Merrill, and Anders with searching for useful herbs so the duty fell to him.

Still, he had spent a lot of time observing Anders as well, he could do both. But an apology was the last thing he expected from Anders, but that hadn’t done anything to quell the frequent thoughts of Anders that had plagued him over the past week.

Fenris shifted his weight nervously and his throat clicked as he swallowed.

“It was an unfortunate misunderstanding, as it seems most of our conversations are. I must apologize for that as well.”

Anders shook his head at Fenris' apology. "I think unfortunate misunderstanding pretty much defines us." He sighed heavily. "I'm just frustrated because I am constantly brushed aside over more important things than blighted card games and it felt like all of you were secretly laughing at me."

He huffed a laugh. "Though I should know better from you. If you wanted to laugh at me you would do it to my face," he added, cringing a little at his own bitterness. Maker, he couldn’t even apologize properly.

He stood awkwardly for a moment. In that moment of peace he felt like he should say more. Part of him wanted to rail about his position as a mage being why he's brushed aside. The conundrum of being highly feared yet constantly ignored. He did not, however, want to end his apology with a fight.

Fenris’ temper flared a bit at that, it wasn’t as if Anders never said anything cruel to him too, but then that line of thought would get him nowhere. This was progress, more than he had ever hoped they’d achieve, and he had to take responsibility for his cruel way of speaking as much as Anders did.

“Anders, I-“

Fenris was interrupted by a shout from Hawke, and he whipped around to see her grappling hand to hand with a bandit who had nearly been able to get a knife in her back. Merrill scrambled for her staff just in time to cast a cone of cold to freeze the two bandits who were running toward her.

Fenhedis. This was his fault, he had been distracted when he should have been keeping a look out, but there wasn’t time to dwell on it. Three more bandits were rushing them, and he unsheathed his sword and rushed to meet them before they could make it to Merrill and Hawke.

A shout rang out and Anders attention shot to where Hawke was being attacked. No time to think he threw up shields around everyone and cast a bolt of lighting at one of the bandits coming up on Hawke.

He was readying a fireball when he felt a sharp pull on his hair. He knocked his head back and felt it collide with his assailant's nose. He took the opportunity to pivot around, adrenaline keeping him from feeling the hair tangled in the bandits fingers from coming loose, taking the tie with it. He swung his staff around with him and hit the bandit at his temple sending him to the ground.

He brought his staff up just in time to block the sword of a second bandit trying to flank him. He used his greater reach to his advantage and booted the bandit in the midsection. He staggered back. Anders jumped away from him to create some more distance and hit him directly with a fireball that left him rolling on the ground, screaming.

Anders drug his hand through his hair, annoyed that it was in his way. But he had no time to worry about it. Now that his attackers had been dealt with, he rounded back to check on his friends.

Fenris’ sword connected with one bandit, slicing easily through their neck, then he pivoted to catch an attempted blow with his sword. The third bandit tried to exploit the opening, but their attack bounced off a barrier, and a second later they’re dispatched by a streak of lightning.

Fenris spun around just in time to see Anders grabbed from behind as another bandit circled around him, and his heart rose in his throat, but his panic was short lived. Anders may be a mage, but he isn’t helpless. There was something savage and graceful about the way Anders moved, striking out with his staff with his hair now loose around his face.

It was at that moment that Fenris’ chest tightened and his breathing constricted. He began to cough, and just barely turned in time at Merrill’s shout. He attempted to jump away from the rogue stabbing at him with twin daggers, but the coughing wracked painfully through his body and he stumbled. The rogue gave him no quarter, and the daggers dug viciously into his chest and he collapsed to his knees while spitting out flower petals.

Anders’ heart skipped when he saw Fenris go down. Hawke got a dagger in the neck of his assailant, dispatching the last of them. Anders rushed to Fenris’ side, he was convulsing in a way that suggested the bandit hit him in the lungs. He grabbed him by the shoulder to turn him towards Anders. “Let me see, Fenris.”

Sure enough there was a dagger lodged in his side right in the weak point of his armor, digging up into his ribcage. He felt around the blade of the dagger and found sharp points along the blade meant to rip and tear at the flesh when it’s pulled out. Shit.

He called for Hawke to pull a potion from his bag to feed to Fenris as he began to unfasten his belt. He pulled it off and heard Hawke gasp and whisper, “What the hell?” Anders looked to see what she was talking about and finally noticed a bloody flower petal clinging to Fenris’ lower lip. There was more speckled down his armor and a wad of blood and petals laying in the dirt.

What the hell indeed.

Fenris let out another wracking cough, reminding Anders that he didn’t have time to waste. “Hawke, the potion!” he reminded her. He wadded up his belt as Hawke fed Fenris the potion. He noted how pale the elf was, not a good sign. “Fenris I need you to bite down on my belt while I pull out the dagger. I’m not going to lie, this is going to hurt like hell.”

Fenris would’ve screamed if he had the breath for it, he felt like something was strangling and choking him from the inside. It had all started a week ago after their card game. The first incident he had brushed off, but as the week progressed he still suffered from the constricting pain in his chest and the occasional bout of coughing. He had no explanation for the flower petals he occasionally choked up, only ever a few at a time. It seemed to be getting worse.

He tried to swallow the potion Hawke poured down his throat, but he ended up choking and only got a mouthful down. Fenris didn’t know what hurt worse, his chest or the dagger in his side. He bit down on the belt between his teeth, but the pain didn’t last long. Anders’ spell washed over him, cool and soothing. It knit his flesh back together and the threads even eased the pain in his chest.

He was able to focus again, his eyes settled on Anders’ face and the way his brow furrowed as he cast and the way his hair fell in his face. Then Fenris’ breath hitched and he was overwhelmed in another fit of coughing.

Anders grit his teeth in sympathy pain as he pulled the dagger from Fenris' side. He quickly worked his magic through the wound hoping to staunch the bleeding as much as possible. Unfortunately Fenris' coughing kept tearing his wound.

He would have to soothe the cough first. He unbuckled Fenris' breastplate and slipped his hand beneath the armor and placed his hand on his chest. He pushed healing magic through Fenris' lungs, verbally hushing his coughs as he did.

He concentrated hard, working healing magic through Fenris' lungs, opening the passage until he was met with resistance. He worked at it, but it held firm like whatever was in there has merged with the tissue of Fenris' organs.

Fenris started to panic, he couldn’t breathe and he gasped, desperately trying to take in air. Above him, Anders murmured softly, Fenris couldn’t make out what he was saying, but the calm tone soothed him, quelling his panic until he began to take deeper breaths.

Anders prodded at him with his magic, and something within his lungs shifted, allowing his breaths to come to him easier, but the pain deep in his chest still remained. It was still a welcome improvement, and he let his eyes fall shut as Anders worked. He was in good hands.

Anders was a complicated and contrary person, Fenris had not known what to make of him at first, his feelings mostly bounced from disdain to grudging respect. Anders was admirable for his dedication to freedom, for helping others, as much as his end goal may frighten Fenris, he couldn’t begrudge Anders for wanting to be free. But his gentle healing touch, the reassuring but firm tone his voice took when he cared for a patient... that’s what had done Fenris in. He supposed there was no point in denying it to himself anymore, he was a bit infatuated with the mage. There was no harm in admitting it, the denial certainly hadn’t helped deter his feelings, he just had to accept that nothing could ever come of it.

Anders lets out a breath he didn't realize he was holding when Fenris' began to breathe normally again. He reached out with his magic again to the wound in his side and began to knit it back together until his mana finally dried up.

He motioned for Hawk to attempt to give Fenris the potion again. He fell back to a sitting position and caught his breath. Fenris looked pale, but appeared to be improving. He was torn between camping and getting some rest or trying to make it back to the safety of Kirkwall. He needed to replenish his mana and Fenris was in really bad shape, but it really looked like Fenris was choking on flowers and there was something lodged in his lungs.

It was worrying and Anders needed to bring him to the clinic for a full examination. If he even let him.

He watched Fenris wearily. That was scary close. He was troubled by the thought of Fenris not making it, but put it out of his head. He saved him, he shouldn't trouble himself with what ifs. "This may be a dumb question but how are you feeling? We may have to camp for the night."

“Better. Thanks to you I should be fine, I don’t want to linger here.” Fenris replied.

With the potion and Anders’ healing he was feeling much better. The flowers and the pain in his chest was troubling, but it seemed Anders had cured that as well. He only felt a slight pain in his chest now, which was probably just some lingering effects that would soon subside. He stood with Hawke’s aid, but after getting his feet beneath him he was able to walk unaided, and the group set off for Kirkwall.

He didn’t remember Kirkwall being so far away. Or the Free Marches being so hot, he paused briefly, wiping sweat off his brow with the back of his arm, but quickly continued when he saw Anders observing him with concern. Despite the trek being mostly down hill, Fenris was breathing hard, as if he had been running up hill. He tried not to think about why his breaths came so shallow.

He began to steadily fall behind until the strain was so much he couldn’t take another step and collapsed.


	2. Chapter 2

Anders wasn’t sure if going directly back to Kirkwall was entirely wise, but he couldn’t very well force Fenris to rest. The trek back was a slow one. Anders watched Fenris closely and notes his labored movements and breathing. Something very strange was happening for a perfectly healthy person to suddenly be experiencing those symptoms. He would have to ask Fenris about his medical history, perhaps it is a childhood illness resurfacing. 

He frowned. He definitely felt an obstruction in Fenris’ lungs. Sense said it was a tumor, but… the flower petals. He was definitely coughing up flower petals. Anders caught up with Merrill and Hawke. “Merrill, do the Dalish know anything about parasitic plants?”

Merrill frowned and shook her head. “Not that I’ve heard of, but I could ask the Keeper next time we go to Sundermount.” She glanced back at Fenris. “Why? Did you find something strange when you were healing him?”

“He was coughing up flower petals,” Hawke said bluntly. “Doesn’t take the sparkle fingers to figure out something’s wrong.” She frowned. “We’ll visit the Keeper tomorrow and I’ll write Bethany and ask her to check the Circle library too.” Hawke looked at Anders beseechingly, “You don’t think he’s dying do you?”

Anders heart sunk. Fenris may very well be dying and he didn’t have any idea on how to go about helping him. If there is something growing on his lungs, he can only repair the damage for so long before they give out. “I don’t know,” he admitted.

He was pondering where else he could look for answers when he heard Fenris stumble and fall. They all rushed to Fenris’ side. Anders checked his breathing and found it very shallow. He cast another healing spell to reopen his airways, but he didn’t wake up. Working quickly, he unstrapped Fenris’ sword then arranges him so Anders can sling him along his shoulders. He stumbled a bit; Fenris was… denser than he looked. “Someone grab his sword. We have to get back to Kirkwall and to my clinic as fast as we can.”

Anders practically ran all the way to Kirkwall. He thanked his warden stamina that he didn’t pass out himself, but he hardly noticed his own fatigue under the urgency to take care of Fenris. Once safely in his clinic Hawke and Merrill took Fenris from his back and laid him out on a cot. 

Anders ran to the back where he kept his herbs and picked out some dried embrium and grabbed his mortar. He ran back to Fenris’ bedside and quickly ground up the embrium. He snapped his fingers to shoot a small spark into the mortar that caused the embrium to smolder. He crouched down so the mortar was inches from Fenris’ face. He blew the smoke lightly to help Fenris breathe it in.

Everything hurt and Fenris hated that he was conscious. He’d rather go back to being passed out and oblivious to the pain he was feeling, but after waking up he couldn’t fall back asleep with the pain and the odd smell. He cracked his eyes open to see he’s in Anders’ clinic, and the man in question is hovering over him, holding some kind of incense, which explained the smell. But Fenris couldn’t complain, it seemed it had made breathing a bit easier, even if it did nothing for the pain.

He tried to sit up, but groaned and grimaced at the pain, Anders made a soothing shh sound and motioned for him to lay back down. Fenris complied. His idea for dealing with his problem by ignoring it hadn’t worked out so well, he would defer to Anders in this. 

“I am sorry,” his voice sounded hoarse and a bit whiny to his own ears, he coughed a bit and felt something in his chest shift but nothing came up, “This started a week ago, I had no idea what was happening and hoped it would stop. Foolish of me, it seems it's only been getting worse.”

"A week?" Anders asked incredulously. He willed himself to calm down. It probably seemed like a normal cold at first. Certainly Fenris wouldn't have been foolish enough to continue without help if he had been coughing flowers for a week. "So this is the first serious episode you've had? What about when you were a child? Anything similar?"

Fenris started to shake his head, but then stopped. If Anders was asking about childhood incidents, he wouldn’t know. All he knew was it hadn’t happened in his memory, which was missing quite a few years of his life. How much did Anders know anyway? He had never gone into detail about his life around Anders, but he had assumed Hawke had told Anders a few things. 

“I do not know. Much of my memory is gone, but as far as I remember, no.”

Anders frowned. He had no idea Fenris didn't remember his childhood. That.... complicated things. "Can you think of any place you've been to that has strange plants?" If there is some sort of local parasitic plant, it would be a more common occurrence, but Fenris was fairly well traveled. Except as far as Anders knew Fenris hadn't left the Free Marches in years. "Was today the first time you coughed up petals?"

“...No.” Fenris flattened his ears dejectedly, he should have gone to Anders instead of letting it get this bad. He just hadn’t wanted to face him after that night, Anders’ anger with him and his realization of his budding crush had kept him away. 

“I coughed up the first petals a week ago, after card night. It was just a few, but every day it has been increasing. Today was the worst.”

He stopped to ponder the other question, then shook his head, “I have no reason to leave the city unless I am with Hawke.”

Anders' anger flared then died. The card game. If Anders hadn't been so dreadful to him, Fenris would have come sooner. It was his fault Fenris almost died. And now he’s lost a week to help him. It scared him. Even more so than usual. He wasn't quite ready to dissect that just yet. 

He sighed heavily and rubbed his eyes. "I wouldn't have left you to suffer," he said softly. "I cannot stress how close you came to dying today." 

They were interrupted by Hawke clearing her throat. Anders turned to his friend who looked oddly uncomfortable. Merrill stood beside her wide eyed with her hands over her mouth. "Now that my friend seems out of mortal peril I have a letter to write. Fenris please listen to Anders. He really cares." She put an odd amount of emphasis on her final statement. She left but Merrill didn't follow until Hawke ducked back in to take her by the arm and drag her along.

Anders turned back to Fenris completely bewildered. "What was that about?"

Fenris’ blood goes cold at Hawke’s words, how could she possibly know about his infatuation? No, Hawke was a good friend she wouldn’t tease him about it in front of Anders if she did know. Still, Anders’ concern was... well, he wanted to bask in the attention, as cruel as it sounded. He just never expected Anders to treat him so kindly. Fenris cut that line of thought off right there. Anders cared for everyone, they were allies and he had a responsibility as the group’s healer, there was nothing more to it.

So he just shrugged, “One never knows with those two.” 

He hesitated a bit as Anders looked at him, he really had made a mistake and made Anders’ job more difficult. He had put them all in danger by not seeking treatment,

“I must apologize again, it was careless of me to ignore this for so long.”

Anders shook his head. "Fussing about blame helps no one. The important thing is that it has been caught and we can figure it out now." He thought hard for a moment. "Have you noticed any pattern about the attacks? Are they triggered by any sort of exertion? Does dust or pollen affect them? What are you usually doing when they happen?"

Fenris frowned, thinking back on the last week. His foyer may have been a dump, but he kept his living quarters clean, if not neat. He had a few instances there, and a few while he was out doing mercenary work, nothing that affected his performance, however. They had been mild, itching in his throat, a little pain, but he was always in pain so it was easy to ignore. It made him cough often, but it wasn’t often when he coughed up petals. 

He shook his head, “It has happened a few times, some incidents when I was at home, and some when I was out, but today was the first time I have left the city since it started, and also the first time it has affected my breathing like that. It seems to be getting worse quickly.”

No discernible pattern. He’d have to put Fenris under observation. Anders heart jumped into his throat the moment he thought it. Fenris is not going to like that. "Fenris," he started, "your condition is very severe. And it's your choice, but I would like you to stay in the clinic so I can observe your symptoms."

It was for the best. He needed to watch over Fenris. If he was getting progressively worse, Anders needed to be with him. "I don't want to scare you Fenris, but it feels like something is growing on your lungs. I need to watch you. Especially if its getting worse."

It would be a lie to say that didn’t scare Fenris, but he believed in Anders. He may be foolish and overly optimistic, but maybe that’s what made him such a good healer. And damn him to the void, but Fenris’ traitorous heart fluttered at the thought of staying with Anders. He was just as foolish as Anders was, it seemed. 

“Very well. I entrust myself to your care.”

As Fenris spoke, he felt whatever was growing within him claw itself up his lungs, and he was overtaken by another fit of coughing. He choked and spat out even more white petals, stained red with his blood.

“Here let me…” Anders brought his hand to Fenris’ chest and pushed more creation magic through his lungs. He sensed it’s path, looking for the obstruction again. He hit it and his heart dropped into his stomach. It had gotten bigger. Not by much, but enough that it was noticeable. That pretty much confirmed that it’s not a tumor. 

This is bad. Very bad. What could have possibly caused it to start growing faster than it had been? He continued until the coughing subsided then he gave Fenris the mortar with the burning embrium. “Here. This should help.”

He sat back on the floor, suddenly feeling very tired. He had no idea how to fix this. If there was something living in Fenris, any attempts to kill it may very well kill it’s host. Hopefully Keeper Marethari or Bethany would have some leads. “We’ll rest a bit then go up to your mansion to get anything you may need.”

They took the passage through Hawke’s estate to make it to Hightown. Normally, Fenris would have been fine with taking the long way, but in his condition Anders insisted that they minimize the strain. He was thankful that Anders was letting him go at all, he was protective of his privacy and didn’t like the idea of even a friend rooting through his things. Hawke must have heard them as they made their way up the cellar, she was waiting at the top of the stairs for them,

“I’ve sent the letter to Bethany, with the bribe I included we’ll get a reply shortly so no worry about that. Just hold on for a couple more days and we’ll have information from Beth and Marethari.”

Fenris tried to keep his breathing even, but even the short walk up the stairs had left him gasping for breath. He appreciated Hawke’s concern, but he resolved to find a way to repay her. A bribe to get a letter into the gallows wasn’t cheap, and usually meant a payment of lyrium.

Anders thanked Hawke and they took their leave. He felt antsy. He hated waiting, though he knew there was nothing else he could do. They took their time on the walk through Hightown. Anders walked a little behind Fenris so he could watch to make sure he didn’t faint again. Every time he got a little unsteady, Anders would close the distance, not that there was much to begin with, and offer Fenris a steadying arm around his back.

They made it to the mansion without incident and Anders helped Fenris up the stairs to his main living area. He led him to a chair and made him sit. “Alright, you should probably rest a bit. I can gather what you need, just tell me where.”

“No, just give me a moment. I can do it myself, but if it makes you feel better you can carry it back.”

Fenris would have preferred Anders not touching his things at all but that was unreasonable. He only had a few things he wanted, a couple tunics and pairs of leggings, he wouldn’t want to be stuck in his battle gear the whole time.

After he caught his breath, he proceeded to his room. He bundled up his clothing, and as an afterthought added a pillow and blanket. He had at least invested in a few nice things, and his bedding was one. Sleeping on the familiar items would be preferable to the tattered and flat blankets Anders had at his clinic. If anything, it would at least be warmer. He handed the bundle off to Anders and they prepared to leave. 

Fenris passed by his desk on the way out, spying some of the books Hawke had lent him. All children’s books, anything more difficult was beyond him for now. He hesitated, he had been making progress and he would hate to put it on hold for however long he was with Anders. When Anders wasn’t looking, he grabbed the alphabet book. It was just thin enough that he could tuck it up into his breast plate.

They took the shortcut through Hawke’s cellar back; fortunately going down stairs was much easier than going up. Anders felt like he could breathe again when they finally made it back to the clinic. Anders pushed a cot for Fenris to sleep on to the back where he kept his own private quarters. “Sorry it’s going to be a bit tight, but I doubt you’ll want to sleep in the clinic. Especially if a patient that needs to stay overnight comes in. I’ll leave you to get settled in.”

Anders went back to the clinic proper to clean and sanitize his work areas. Now that the immediate danger was over, he couldn’t help but feel a bit awkward. Had he ever been alone with Fenris before? Have they ever held a real conversation? He did not want to spend however long arguing with Fenris about his right to live. Especially while he was saving Fenris’ life. 

Oh that rankled. Best not to let his thoughts wander that way. Fenris has been very gracious; Anders doesn’t want to upset the peace they’ve established. Even though the elf’s biases were unjust. NO, he thought firmly. That was another concern. How does Fenris feel about sharing quarters with Justice as much as he’s sharing them with Anders? Still best not to dwell on it. He wouldn’t let their differences get in the way of Fenris’ care.

Anders thought back on the day’s events. There had to have been something he was missing. Something to at least clue him in to what made Fenris’ condition worse. If he could figure that out, he could at least try to slow the progress of the disease. 

They had been climbing the mountain. Anders had been watching him so he could have his chance to give his apology. Nothing had seemed amiss then. They spoke, and while they were speaking they were ambushed. Fenris was fine as he jumped into battle, then Anders was attacked from behind. After dispatching his attackers, he turned back to the main battle and Fenris was on the ground. 

Damn bandits. If he had only seen what took Fenris down. Perhaps Merrill or Hawke had seen. He would have to ask them. That did remind him that they never finished their conversation.

He went back to where Fenris is settling in. He leaned against the doorway and asked, “You know, you never really answered me why you threw the card game.”

Fenris jumped a bit at the sound of Anders’ voice and hastily shoved his book under his pillow. Well that wasn’t suspicious at all. He had been too engrossed in the book, forming the sounds the letters made with his mouth.

Fenris was hesitant to answer the question, his last answer had been too vague and had only upset Anders, but he didn’t want Anders to realize how he felt. Anders had been unusually kind to him, and he didn’t want to ruin it, maybe they could end up being better friends, but there could never be more between them.

“I took it too far and insulted you. I ruined your happiness and thought winning the game would cheer you.”

Anders caught Fenris shoving something under his pillow. Which was weird, but whatever. If he had something he wanted to keep private then Anders wouldn’t butt in.

Anders sighed after hearing Fenris’ explanation. He felt like a right ass for taking such a silly thing so hard. He sat down on his own cot, hunched over and looking at his hands. “I’m sorry I jumped on you about it. I just feel so helpless sometimes. And I love all the friends I’ve made here, but I feel like none of them take me seriously.”

He looked up and regarded Fenris. He needed him to understand and there was a little part of him that knew, in spite of everything, if anyone was going to understand, it was the man sitting across from him. “I was in solitary for a year before I left the Circle for good, you know.” He huffed a bitter laugh. “You hear stories sometimes in the Circle about mages who were taken to solitary and forgotten. I guess I was lucky being a spirit healer made me valuable enough to not starve to death. But do you know how hard it is to have your pain ignored? For people who supposedly care about you roll their eyes when you start to talk about something important to you?”

He looked away and scratched the back of his head. “I was wrong to attack you like I did. But can you blame me when being a mage seems to make everything a say irrelevant unless it’s something I can be condemned for?”

A year? Fenris was horrified. Solitary was reserved for slaves who had been disobedient or gravely insulted their masters, and once they were out, they were never quite the same and ended up as fodder for blood magic anyway. A week was considered harsh, a year he couldn’t imagine. It disturbed him that the templars would do something that even a magister would consider barbaric. 

“I am sorry they did that to you,” he started lamely, he wasn’t sure what to say when faced with such raw honesty, but he would try to be honest too. “I suppose I do understand that. In Tevinter, what I wanted, how I felt, it did not matter. Only that I could obediently serve.”

“It seems I was wrong about the situation with the mages here. I-“ he swallowed hard before continuing, “I see now the circles are not the solution I thought they were. I will not lie, the thought of mages having free reign here as they do in Tevinter terrifies me, but the templars treating them as they are now is wrong.”

What?

Did he just hear that right? 

“You really think so?” Anders was baffled. He did not expect Fenris to condemn the Circles like that. Warmth spread through Anders’ core. Fenris heard him. He really heard him and really understood.

Feeling more confident he answered Fenris’ concerns about Tevinter. “I understand your fears Fenris, but it’s not the same situation. Tevinter’s ruling class was made up of mages, which is why even when Andrastism came to Tevinter, they kept their lives as they always had.” He shook his head, “Even here, mages from wealthy families get far more allowances than poor mages. And most mages are poor. We don’t have the money or power to turn the south into another Tevinter, and most mages would have no desire to anyway.” 

He paused to collect his thoughts. “And honestly the ruling class are just as corrupt here, there’s just fewer demons. Look at how little the nobility seem to care about trafficking. Or how they treat their servants. Look at Darktown. Slavery became frowned upon here only because the Chantry is so powerful so the nobility have to play at being good followers of Andraste.”

Magic was dangerous, a weapon that could never be put down. Mages had far too much power at their fingertips, and too much temptation to fall prey to their desires. They did not deserve to be treated badly, but allowing them all to go about unchecked would lead to disaster. He didn’t say any of that. He was too unwilling to break the peace they had. And maybe it was hypocritical, but he couldn’t stand the thought of Anders being locked up again. 

“After what I have seen of magic, I am right to be wary of it being left unchecked, but I do not wish to argue with you. I have no love for the chantry here either, elves are oppressed here as well, and at the chantry’s behest.”

Anders’ optimism withered. Ah. There it is. He knew it was too good to be true, but it was progress, nonetheless. “I don’t want to argue with you either, Fenris, but it’s not magic. Magic is a tool, a gift. It’s like saying everyone with a sword is a danger to everyone. Meredith causes more fear and destruction through her own mad grab for power than any abomination I’ve seen.”

He didn’t know why he felt so disappointed. Magic was dangerous, but so is anything that’s not properly utilized. “I don’t want to abolish the Circles completely. Young mages still need a place to go to get trained so they don’t become a danger to themselves and others. But…”

He stopped himself. Fenris was trying. Anders should do the same. “You’ve been hurt by mages who abused their power. It was wrong. No one should ever have that sort of power over another person. One on one, a mage will always have an advantage because we are powerful. Even myself. I’ve hurt Templars during my escapes.” 

A sudden realization dawned on Anders and his heart dropped into his stomach. Fenris was sick and weak and at the mercy of another mage. Oh Maker, he must have been so frightened. Anders had just ranted about the people around him discounting his pain and he had discounted Fenris’. “I’m sorry Fenris. Sometimes I really don’t know when to stop. It’s just important to me.”

He attempted a smirk. “At least we can both agree the Chantry is full of shit.”

“That it is.”

Fenris couldn’t blame Anders for wanting freedom, but he was foolish. Magic didn’t corrupt, power did, and magic only made it all the easier. Most people were not as good as Anders, and people with the power mages had could not just be trusted on their own. 

He felt like he should say something more, to smooth this over, but he only picked at his blanket awkwardly while they sat in silence.

Eventually he cleared his throat, which almost resulted in another coughing fit, but he managed to suppress it.

“Do you remember when I told you that you should have lived in Tevinter? I was wrong. Your healing may have been valued but... you are not cruel. Your compassion would have ruined you.”

Anders had been lost in his own thoughts. He could understand Fenris' fears, but Anders had been in a Circle. There were crackpots like Uldred, but mostly it was children that wanted to see their families. Adult mages that wanted to marry and start their own families. Fenris was right that when a mage goes bad, they go very bad, but it wouldn't happen so often if the Circle didn't strip away everything from them. Anyone under that sort of tyranny is bound to crack eventually. 

His thoughts were interrupted by Fenris clearing his throat and offering a somewhat stilted... Apology? Knowing Fenris, insinuating Anders would do well in Tevinter was probably originally a nasty insult, but he took it back. He blinked at the sudden change in topic then gave a sideways smile. "I'll take that as a compliment." 

He stood and stretched. The fatigue finally caught up with him and his joint were starting to feel stiff. He took off his coat, then sat back down to pull off his boots. "We both should get some sleep." He had a thought and added, "I do have ah... Warden dreams. So if I wake you up yelling about darkspawn, we probably aren't under attack."

“Very well.”

Fenris had already changed into a loose tunic and clean leggings, so he just slipped under his blanket and rolled over so he was facing away from Anders. This was all a bit strange and his heart was fluttering nervously. He and Anders would be sleeping next to each other. They were in separate beds, but they were only a few feet apart.

Fenris was hyper aware of all of Anders’ movements about the room has he prepared for sleep. He listened intently until the lights were doused and he heard Anders’ cot creaking as he settled in.


	3. Chapter 3

Fenris fell asleep surprisingly fast, and he slept through the night. When he awoke, he was alone in the room, but he could hear movement in the front room of the clinic. He attempted to pat his hair down, but without a looking glass or water it was futile, so he gave up and staggered out of the room still bleary eyed.

Anders was in the middle of his morning shave, leaning over a pail of warm water with his shirt off when Fenris stumbled into the room. He meant to greet Fenris good morning, but his words died at the sight of him. Fenris was still sleepy eyed with his hair sticking straight up. It was such a complete change from how he usually was, Anders was at a bit of a loss.

He let out a small chuckle. Who knew such a prickly person could be so cute in the morning? “Good morning, Sunshine. I’ll get you a fresh pail of water to wash up with as soon as I’m done.” He motioned to where a pot was hanging over a small fire. “I made some porridge. It probably tastes terrible, but I honestly can’t tell anymore.”

Fenris nearly choked. He was certainly awake now after seeing Anders half naked, water dripping down his front.

“Good morning.” Fenris’ voice sounded strained even to him.

The ache in his chest was back. He had gone all night without feeling the pain or the scratching in his throat thanks to the treatment Anders had given him, but now it was back in full force.

He tried to speak, but his throat was too tight, he coughed, spitting petals out, more this time, and they were starting to take on a red color.

“It seems it is getting worse.”

Anders dropped his toiletries and rushed to Fenris as he began to choke. He led him over to a cot and guided him to sit. Anders sat as well next to him, leaning close enough their knees knocked together. He took one of the petals from Fenris’ hand and examined it. “They were white yesterday weren’t they?” he asked.

It was unlikely Hawke had heard from Bethany yet and she and Merrill would be making the trek back up Sundermount to speak to Marethari today. Despair began pulling at his heart. He never felt so helpless as a healer before. “I’m so sorry Fenris. I feel like I’m letting you down.”

Fenris slumped against Anders, unable to hold himself up. It felt like something was ripping into his chest, and he supposed something was. He could have cried from how unfair it all was, but he didn’t. He just sat there taking what comfort he could from the warm body next to his. It didn’t really matter anymore that Anders would never love him like he loved Anders, he likely didn’t have long.

His mouth tasted of iron, he gulped it down before speaking again,

“You aren’t. Some things are beyond healing I suppose.”

Anders held Fenris as they sat there. He found himself hyper aware of the body pressed against him. He could feel the muscles built from years of discipline but felt no strength in them. Aware of the way the powerful, deliberate voice he had come to know had been reduced to light shallow breaths ghosting along his neck and down his chest.

Anders recalled a lesson from when he was an apprentice. He remembered the senior enchanter saying that some wounds and illnesses were beyond magic. _It would be hard, but at that point all one could do was make the affected as comfortable as possible until the end. There are other times, however,_ the enchanter had said, _where the patient has given up. You will begin to recognize the signs with experience. Those are the times, I'm afraid you have already lost._ She had been right. Anders through the years had picked up on the signs. He heard them now in Fenris' voice.

_I had to believe there was something worse than slavery._

"No." It was too unfair. Fenris had survived so much just to be reduced to this. It was... It was Unjust. Anders would not allow it. He took Fenris by the shoulders and leveled his gaze at him. "You are not dying like this if I have to pull you from the jaws of the void myself."

He got up then and finished dressing, pulled on his coat and strapped his staff to his back. He couldn't just sit and wait. He would go to the Black Emporium and see if he could find something there about the nature of the disease.

He turned back to Fenris, softening a bit at how tired he looked. He then noticed that some of the soap from his chin had gotten into Fenris' hair. He closed the distance between them and slipped his fingers through the locks to rid him of it and allowed his fingers tips to gently trace the curve of his face.

An odd feeling stirred in Anders' chest. He swallowed it down and said "I will be back soon. Try to eat something and get some rest."

With that, he left the clinic, locking the door behind him.

~

There were pockets of Kirkwall that just felt inherently wrong. Perhaps it was because the city was steeped in pain and violence and injustice. So much suffering. So many dead crying for their due. Anders often wondered if that was what kept him in Kirkwall in spite of knowing he should have left after Karl’s murder. It was a place that needed Justice most. Though sometimes he thought the best solution would be to burn the shithole the ground and start over. A cleansing fire.

The Black Emporium didn’t have the same chilling feeling of restless death about it that other places in Kirkwall had, but it still felt wrong. Passing the wards felt like stepping into a mirror, the same and yet distorted somehow. Ander reasoned it was from too many magical artifacts in one place.

Anders walked the path into the Black Emporium’s main dais where the dried husk of Xenon sat overlooking his treasures. He gave a wide berth to the guard golem that sat by the entrance and walked directly to the ancient antiquarian. “Hello Xenon,” Anders greeted respectfully. “I have an odd request and was hoping you may have books or some such that could help.”

Xenon regarded Anders. Or at least Anders thought he did. It was hard to tell. “Go on mage,” the man drawled. “Make your request and leave. Thaddeus doesn’t like the look of you.”

Well that was ominous.

Anders cleared his throat. “Right well, I was hoping in your research you’ve uncovered something about a parasitic plant. One that can plant itself in a living body, like in the lungs.”

The ancient man hummed. “Yes I recall something of the sort, but not in books. Urchin! Take the mage to the specimen room. And watch him,” he hissed.

The sunken-eyed child began to walk away. Anders followed hastily, not wanting to get lost in the maze of the emporium. They soon came to a locked door with a series of runes etched into it. The boy touched the runes in a pattern too quick for Anders to catch and the door opened on its own accord, a torch lighting itself as it did.

Anders could feel his jaw drop as he entered the room. It was an octagonal space with the walls lined with shelves of various glass jars and vials. More shelves were set up in the center creating a spiral to the center of the room where the burnt out remains of a rock wraith hung from the ceiling.

Anders walked the room, unsure of where to look first. There were so many specimens and without knowing exactly what he was looking for, he was at a loss. He turned to the boy. “Do you know where I might find what I’m looking for?”

The boy stared at him, his unnerving fathomless eyes giving no indication he heard Anders at all until he walked towards the spiral of shelves in the center. Anders followed until the boy stopped seemingly at random and pointed up. Anders looked to where he was pointing and found shelves full of plant specimens. Some bizarre and rare plants he recognised from books, others seemed to come from the Fade itself. Finally near the top he spotted what looked like flesh with bright crimson flowers growing from it.

He pointed it out to the urchin. “That one.” The boy took a latter from the opposite wall and climbed up to the specimen. He carefully handed it to Anders who could now see that the specimen was a set of lungs floating in a glass box. They had been cut into four parts vertically. The roots of the blooms were growing along the natural veins of the organ.

He pulled the petal he had taken from Fenris out of his pocket to compare. The petal from Fenris wasn't as deep of a red as the specimen but the shape was close enough to consider them the same. He turned to the boy. “I would like to buy this.”

The boy nodded and turned to leave. Anders followed him back to where Xenon sat. “Ah yes. A most curious malady. Almost always fatal. Nasty way to die."

"Almost always?” Anders asked, hopeful. “So there is a cure?"

"Indeed there is. It has been lost though. There is a children's rhyme about it DO YOU REMEMBER IT THADEUS?! I do not."

He pulled out his purse to pay, flinching at how few coins jangled around in it. It suddenly occurred to him this wouldn't be cheap. There is no way he could afford this. What would Hawke do?

Anders plastered on his best smile. “How about a trade? I will take the lungs and you can have my heart.” Thinking quickly he amended, “After I’m done with it, of course.”

“And what would I want with your heart?” the antiquarian huffed.

“Oh haven't you heard?” Anders poured on all his charm. “Eating the heart of a gray warden grants eternal youth.” Because you would have the Blight, but Anders wasn't going to tell him that.

Xenon hummed, considering. “The heart of a gray warden would be rare indeed. And it grants eternal youth, you say.” He paused. “Very well! Take it. And when the time comes, my agents will be there to collect. “

Anders left hastily before Xenon figured out he was just swindled. He fully planned to go to his calling when the time came, Xenon’s agents could fight the darkspawn for him. Praise the Maker for warden paranoia.

~

Fenris alternated between anger, despair, resignation. Mostly he just wished Anders would return. He hated the thought of just sitting around waiting, so he got up and wandered around the clinic.

Snooping was more of a Hawke thing to do, but there wasn’t much around the clinic to look at. Still, he poked around the shelves only to find exactly what he expected. Foolish of him to think Anders would overlook something in his own clinic that could cure him.

He was tired, even after just waking up, and he decided to go back and lay down for a bit. He stopped in the doorway and looked around, it was supposed to be Anders’ private quarters, but there wasn’t much there aside from the two cots and the bedding. Anders’ cot had the same dingy sort of blanket as did all the other cots in the clinic. There was, however, a pillow that didn’t match.

Fenris picked it up gently, it was old and faded, but it had embroidery all over. He got the sense it was important, so he sat it back down and flopped onto his cot which let out an alarming creak, but thankfully it didn’t collapse.

He tossed a bit, but got bored and retrieved his book from under his pillow and started back where he had left off.

“F- F is for Flower,” he snorted at the irony, but continued on with the reading. When he reached the end of the little rhyme, he nearly dropped the book in shock.

Fenris was startled out of his book by a frantic pounding on the front of the clinic doors. Anders had locked up before he left, but apparently someone was desperate for his help. He stumbled out of his cot to answer the door. He felt a bit guilty about Anders being gone because of him, but he would do his best to handle whatever emergency this was until he returned. He opened the door to a panicked family of two, soon to be three from the looks of the heavily pregnant woman.

“The healer, where’s the healer?” the man asked desperately as Fenris guided the woman to a cot and helped her lay down.

“He should be back soon, just stay calm,” Fenris said, anything but calm himself.

He had no idea what to do, but he would try. First he started some water boiling, he knew they would need clean water at least, and gathered what clean rags he could while trying to keep the two of them calm.

The woman let out a pained wail, and Fenris rushed to her side, letting her grip his hand, her grip was surprisingly strong and his bones ground together painfully, but he allowed it.

“Shhh, it will be alright, the healer will return soon, he will take care of you.”

Fenris had no idea the human body could even work like that. He had seen his fair share of battle carnage but even this made the seasoned warrior feel faint. Anders had not returned. Fenris would have been worried about that if he hadn’t been so preoccupied.

In the end, he hadn’t really had to do much except hold the screaming woman’s hand and talk to her in a soothing tone while her husband fussed over her. She handled the rest on her own. Soon she pushed out a screaming infant and Fenris was there with the towels and warm water to clean the little child off before handing him over to his exhausted mother. It had been nearly four hours since the entire ordeal started. Fenris was exhausted too and he hadn’t done nearly as much as she had.

~

Anders always felt conspicuous in the market even without carrying a mutilated human lung wrapped in paper around with him. On his way back to the clinic it occurred to him that he didn’t have enough food to feed both himself and Fenris. He made a detour to remedy that and picked up bread and cheese and was frowning over the butcher’s stand.

He typically ate fish because it was much less expensive than chicken or lamb, but he was certain he’d heard Fenris voice a distaste for it. Unfortunately, he couldn’t afford enough lamb to feed two grown men for a couple days. Especially with the warden stamina came the warden appetite. He was still frugal with his food expenses, but not as much as he had been before the wardens. He thought of letting himself go a little hungry while Fenris stayed with him until he felt a strong impression from Justice against the idea. He supposed he would need his strength to care for his patients.

Even getting fish for himself and lamb for Fenris left him a little short. He could take the fat and organs from the lamb to make bait and catch his own fish. Feeling satisfied with the compromise, he handed over his few silvers for the lamb ad the butcher wrapped it for him and placed it in the burlap sack that carried his other purchases.

He passed a grocer with a barrel of apples on his way out of the market and was reminded of Fenris saying his liked them. Using his last coppers he bought a few and finally headed back the Darktown. He was fortunate the undercity denizens respected and took care of their healer. A single man laden down with food would be a tempting target for the hungry.

Anders climbed the last stairs up to his clinic and stopped as his blood ran cold. The clinic door, which he was certain he had locked before leaving was wide open and shouting could be heard coming from inside. Fenris was alone in there and would be helpless if the Carta had finally made good on their threats. He ran for the door ready to wallop the first person he saw with a side of lamb.

Anders wasn’t sure exactly what to expect when he burst through the door of his clinic holding Fenris’ dinner like a weapon, but it certainly wasn’t a battle-shocked looking Fenris covered in placenta hovering over a couple and their new baby. It took a moment for him to process the scene, but once he did he put down his various parcels and went to apologize for his absence. “I’m so sorry I was out, but-“ he shot a smile at Fenris, “it looks like you were well taken care of. Is there any abnormal pain?”

“Oh no, Serrah.” The mother replied. “Your assistant did wonderfully.”

Anders couldn’t keep the smile from his face. “He’s a marvel, isn’t he? Fast learner too.”

Fenris’ face flushed at the compliment but he tried to cover how flustered he was. He raised an eyebrow dramatically and reached for sarcasm,

“You make for a frightening enemy with your fearsome goat leg. If we had been under siege they surely would have fled at the sight of you.”

He cleared his throat awkwardly and continued,

“When you are done tending to them I have something you need to see.”

Anders flushed. "I panicked," he mumbled. "I have something to show you as well."

He checked on mother and baby and both were perfectly healthy. The father looked more out of sorts than they did; this must be their first child. He got the exhausted woman comfortable and set up a little crib for the baby to sleep in when it was done nursing.

He dug out a bottle of wine he kept for just such occasions and pulled the new father and Fenris to the side for a toast. "To life!" he said beaming.

Fenris downed the wine along with Anders and the proud new father, hiding a grimace. Anders had terrible taste in wine, but it wouldn’t do to insult him. Maybe it would be a kind gesture for him to give Anders one of his expensive bottles as a thank you once he recovered.

Anders swallowed down the wine, noticing the slight wince Fenris gave at tasting it. Anders didn’t think the wine was that bad, but then again Fenris never drank with wardens. Anders was joking about the porridge that morning, but his taste buds may actually be dead. Although it amused him to imagine Fenris drinking the night away with Oghren.

This was good. It felt good to just have a moment to relax and be happy. He glanced over at the new mother and baby and smiled a bit wistfully. When he was taken to the circle he knew he would never be a father. When he became a warden it seemed to drive home the fact that he would never have children. He accepted it, but sometimes he wondered.

Anders pulled out the bread and cheese he bought at the market and pulled out some salted meat he had stored. He began cutting and passing out the food to feed his guests. It was getting late. The mother was clearly too exhausted to go home and would have to spend the night in the clinic. The new father would probably stay as well, but with Fenris staying, Anders was out of cots. He guessed he was sleeping on the ground.

Fenris hadn’t been so certain this morning that he would live, but Anders’ determination changed his mind. He had come so far in his life, a disease, no matter how enigmatic it was, would not end him now. Not when he had reasons to live, and maybe the healer himself was one of them. Fenris fidgeted a bit as Anders fussed over the young family, the rhyme in his book was still turning around his mind. He did not know what it meant, but it reminded him of his ailment, maybe it was a clue.

Fenris may have thought it was a bit ridiculous to think the cure to a disease that had stumped a circle trained spirit healer was hidden in a children’s rhyme. Still, he had heard some of the rhymes the children around Kirkwall would chant, many of them had insights into the darkspawn and demons. Things that would be good to know to keep children safe, compacted into an easy to remember rhyme. Fenris grew impatient and eventually interrupted Anders,

“They are fine, I’m sure, and would appreciate some time alone. I could also use your assistance with something.”

With that, Fenris returned to the back room.


	4. Chapter 4

Fenris’ sudden turn of impatience left Anders stunned for a minute. He then felt guilty at all but forgetting why he left that morning in the first place in the excitement of a new baby. He retrieved the carefully wrapped specimen from his bag and followed Fenris to the back.

He carefully placed the specimen on the small table he kept next to his bed. “Just one more moment and I’m all yours.” He took his pillow and one of the quilts from his bed and laid them out on the floor. He then pushed the cot out to where the couple was staying for the night. The man began to protest, but Anders told him that there was another bed in the back and it was fine. It wasn’t technically a lie.

Once they were taken care of, he went back to Fenris. “We should speak quietly,” he said softly. “I don’t want rumors going around of a new illness going around the Undercity. The people down here are cut off from enough.”

Fenris watched Anders give away his cot with a raised eyebrow. He wasn’t surprised in the least. Anders would readily give up his own boots if someone he perceived as more in need than he was would benefit. Fenris had to wonder how much of that came from Anders himself, and how much of it was his passenger.

Still, Fenris was curious about the thing Anders had brought back. Curious and repulsed in turn, he decided to let Anders go first in their little show and tell. He wasn’t looking forward to explaining to Anders what he was doing with a children’s book of all things.

“So… this thing. What is it exactly?”

Anders carefully unwrapped the specimen. He didn’t get a chance to look at it in good lighting, but now he could see how well preserved the specimen was. The brilliant crimson flowers were in full bloom, the leaves and stems were a bright green. If it weren’t for the organ it was growing out of, the flowers would seem like a normal spring bloom. It was beautiful in a macabre way.

“Xenon didn’t know of any cures,” he began to explain, “but he did have a specimen I could experiment on. I can try different treatments and see how the blooms react.” He gave Fenris a wry smile. “It’s much better than trying treatments directly. If done wrong I could kill you.”

Fenris swallowed, fighting back a wave of revulsion. The flowers were beautiful, but the thought of them growing in his own lungs like that was disturbing.

“Thank you. It cannot have been a cheap trade to get this from Xenon, I will find a way to repay you, I swear it.”

Fenris shifted nervously, he had to tell Anders now, even if it may be foolish, it was still a lead.

“There is something else. It may be nothing, but I found a poem. A rhyme? I am uncertain of the origin, it may just be a silly thing for children, but it has a disturbing resemblance to my condition.”

Fenris snatched the book up from the cot and flipped to the page he had found earlier. He started to read it, but thought better of it, and handed it off to Anders. He was anxious he would stumble over the simple words, and he was embarrassed enough for Anders to know he was reading a children’s book,

“In the fields, flowers grow among  
If they take up in the lung  
A lover must take your breath  
Or the flower will yield death”

“Children’s rhymes are usually about some pretty disturbing topics. And Xenon did say there was one, but he couldn’t remember it.” Anders took the book from Fenris and read the poem. He frowned. “It definitely seems like the disease, but what does the third line mean?” He looked back up at Fenris and grinned. “I can think of a couple ways a lover has taken my breath, but somehow I don’t think that’s the cure.”

Leave it to Anders to immediately point out the innuendo. Fenris tried to not focus on the mental image of Anders breathless in bed with a lover. He wasn’t entirely successful, and he felt his ears flush with heat.

“It may be nothing, but I still thought it worth telling you. Even if the cure in the rhyme doesn’t mean anything it at least means someone knows of the disease. Surely not everyone who had it has died.”

Anders saw Fenris blush. Strange, he never took him for shy. "Xenon said there was a cure, and children's rhymes can be pretty insightful. With how strange this is, we can't dismiss anything."

He flipped through the book. It appeared to be an alphabet book with little rhymes. He stopped on H for Hoard and smiled at the rhyme for a tagging game he remembered playing as a child. "Where did you find this?"

“Hawke gave it to me. She has been helping me learn to read and write. Those skills were not needed of a slave, but I am free now so I thought it was time I learned.”

There was no point in keeping it a secret now, Anders would’ve found out sooner or later. Before, he would have expected Anders to mock him, but now he knew better. Anders could be petty, but he was not a cruel man. Still, he didn’t want Anders’ pity either.

Anders was honestly surprised Fenris didn't know how to read. With how articulate he was, Anders just assumed. "In spite of the company you keep, illiteracy is fairly common among most people. I was born on a farm and wasn't heavily instructed until I went to the circle." He gave Fenris his book back. "But it's admirable that you're learning. Most people wouldn't bother. If you want, I could also write up some exercises for you. I taught a lot in the circle."

“Thank you, but that is not necessary. You already give up too much of your time to help others. That is truly admirable, but you should take more time for yourself. You try to do too much.”

Fenris wasn’t sure why he was being so insistent, Anders worked himself to the bone all hours of the day. As long as he had that demon? Spirit? With him that would not change. Still, Fenris liked to see him relaxed and smiling.

“When was the last time you ate? You made food this morning but you did not touch any of it, did you.”

Anders may have made an enticing sight when Fenris caught him half undressed this morning, but he was also worryingly thin.

Anders almost protested Fenris declining his help, but then he realized the elf probably didn’t want to spend any more time than what was necessary with him. They weren’t exactly friends. It bothered Anders, but he respected his wishes and didn’t push the issue. His chest fluttered a bit in disappointment.

Anders was taken aback by Fenris’ concern. Didn’t he just eat? He thought about it and no. He passed out food for his guests, but completely forgot about eating himself. And he did leave before eating that morning. He absently scratched his chin, honestly a little embarrassed by the oversight. “Ah… not since yesterday I think. I guess it just slipped my mind…”

“We should eat together now. I suspect if you are not supervised you would give your meal to the next urchin you see,” Fenris teased.

Anders truly was something. A lot of somethings, most of them good. Fenris supposed having an excess of charity wasn’t the worst flaw to have, but Anders did need to think of himself a bit more.

“Aw, but the little ones with the dirty faces and big eyes are so cute!” Anders chuckled. He ducked out of his quarters back to where he left the food he served earlier. Both mother and child were fast asleep. The new father, however, was sitting up on the cot Anders lent him, peering down at the sleeping baby and gently caressing its face with the back of his fingers. He mouthed “sorry” at the man when he looked up at him.

Quickly and quietly he gathered the food, including the lamb and the bag with the apples and ducked back into his private area. He tightly rewrapped the meat and stashed it in a box he kept cool with a small ice spell. He would process it in the morning. He handed the bag of apples to Fenris. “Here, you like apples, right?”

He sat down on the floor, leaning against the wall and stuffed some bread in his mouth. His stomach seemed to remember it hadn’t eaten and he was now starving. He mind was still in the other room with the new family. Anders had delivered countless babies in his time, but he wondered how it would feel to hold a child, a little life, and know that it’s a part of you. That is was your duty to teach it and protect it and love it. He blurted out at Fenris, “You ever think about having kids?”

That was… unexpected. Fenris swallowed the bit of apple he was chewing on and mulled it over for a bit.

“It never occured to me. I cannot remember being a child myself, so I am not sure I would make a good parent. It may not even be possible for me to have children of my own, with the lyrium. I suppose it does not matter, there is… no one in my life to think of having children with.”

Apparently Anders did want children. That explained his fussing. Fenris couldn’t blame him for it, the thought of having children did seem nice now that Anders brought up, but it only became another reason for them being completely incompatible as partners.

Anders snorted, “I doubt you would have trouble finding someone, if you wanted. And who knows how the lyrium has changed you.” He sighed, “Although it is pointless for me to wonder. Even if I had someone, I can't father children. It would just be nice to have a family I think.”

Fenris had an odd fluttering feeling in his stomach, and he felt hot. Did… did Anders just compliment him? It was a small thing, but it made him feel a bit bolder.

“Children may be one thing, but companionship is something I have… considered,” Fenris kept his gaze steady as he looked at Anders, “And there may be someone I have in mind, if they were amicable to the idea.”

The intensity in Fenris’ gaze caught Anders a bit off guard. Was he….? No, impossible. His heart sunk a bit. Fenris was… amazing really. Anders was sometimes a bit jealous of him. He was capable of a strength that Anders didn’t even think to try for until he joined with Justice. To turn around and face the one who hurt him completely unafraid in spite of not having allies until recently? It was incredible. He was incredible.

Anders knew the path he was on would lead nowhere happy. He knew it would be wrong to drag someone with him. Fenris would be a terrible temptation if he was interested in Anders, but their fighting and disagreements… there was no way Fenris meant he was interested in Anders. He’s just an intense person. And Anders is so terribly lonely sometimes.

He squashed that line of thought before he depressed himself further. “Really? Are you going to tell them?” He felt a bit shaky asking for some reason. His heart was racing a bit and he began to feel a little panicked. Not knowing what else to do, he continued to ramble. “Do you want advice on how to approach them? Believe it or not I wasn’t always a freedom fighter living in a sewer and I use to pretty good at this sort of thing. Oh well, not love so much and that’s probably what you’re after. You seem like the commitment type. Circles are awful places to fall in love but they’re great for sex and I’m great at sex!” He ended his babbling with a short laugh that sounded strained even to Anders.

Yikes. Where the hell did all that come from?

Well, that was one way of letting someone down gently. Fenris would’ve preferred a “no” but diversion was one of Anders’ favorite tactics. He did it often enough when anyone tried to prod more deeply into his past and feelings. Fenris leaned back, averting his gaze from Anders,

“No, no thank you. I-” Fenris was cut off by a cough. His chest hurt terribly, but he fought off the impending attack. It did nothing for the pain ripping into his lungs, though.

Even though he wasn’t coughing, he could still hear his breath rattling around the intrusions in his throat and lungs. It had been present all day, but it seemed to have gotten even more suffocating. It was frustrating, but at least now they had a couple leads.

“I could use your assistance with this, however. The pain has gotten much worse and I am having difficulty breathing.”

Anders mentally kicked himself. How many times did he have to remind himself that Fenris wasn’t with him because he enjoyed his company? Anders pulled himself to his knees and scooted to where Fenris sat. He positioned himself in front of Fenris, between his knees and summoned creation magic to his hand. He gently placed his hand on Fenris’s chest, marvelling a bit at how his lyrium pulsed beneath his clothes at his touch. “Does my magic hurt?”

He pushed his magic through the passages of Fenris’ lungs and frowned when he hit the obstruction. He worried that the more the flowers shredded Fenris’ lungs, the less Anders would be able to fix the damage. He could feel the tissue knitting back together, but he could also feel the roots of the flowers firmly hold. He debated staying up experimenting with the specimen. Fenris’ time was drawing shorter, but Anders would be no use if he wasn’t thinking clearly.

He let the magic die in his hand and asked softly, “Is that better?”

Fenris’ hand twitched with the urge to draw Anders in closer, to ask him to not stop. His magic was cool and soothing, not at all like how magic was in Tevinter. He supposed it had to do with Anders’ main school being creationism, rather than the more destructive schools that were favored by the magisters.

“Yes, thank you. Your magic is actually very soothing. It feels… good.”

His lungs weren’t the only thing that hurt, his tattoos had been a constant source of pain since his memory began, but Anders’ magic eased that pain as well. Even now that he wasn’t in contact with it, he still felt a residual relief.

Anders let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. He was a bit tempted to let his magic wander down Fenris’ skin to soothe the lyrium as well, but that would have been too violating. His magic was an extension of himself and while he knew the lyrium hurt Fenris, had to have hurt him, but Fenris didn’t ask for his help with it.

Instead he sat for a moment and felt Fenris breathe. He made note of the fluttering movements of his lungs as they struggled to find breath around the constriction of the flowers. He also couldn’t help but notice how warm Fenris felt. How long had it been since Anders felt the warmth of another person in a nonclinical way? He chased away those thoughts. This was supposed to be clinical and Anders was making it creepy because he’s touch starved.

He drew his hand away and sat back on his haunches. “We should get some rest.” He crawled back over to where he laid his pillow and quilt. He spread them out to make a bed for himself on the floor. He decided it would be more comfortable to sleep in his coat and laid down to settle in for the night.

“What are you doing?” Fenris asked, mildly amused.  
His feelings for Anders did complicate things a bit, but the members of their group had shared beds before, in a completely platonic way. During their trip to the Deep Roads they had all slept barely a foot apart. While he and Anders had never shared a bed pallet before, he knew both of them had shared with Hawke and various occasions.

“You have already done so much for me, I cannot let you give up your bed as well,” Fenris scooted over in the bed. It was narrow, but they would both be able to fit if the slept on their sides, “We can share. I do not mind, so I won’t accept whatever excuse you are thinking of.”

Balls.

Fenris was right, but Anders couldn’t very well tell him how creepy he was being just moments ago. He stood and tossed his quilt and pillow on the cot. He took off his coat and boots, but left everything else on. He climbed into bed next to Fenris, wincing at the creaking sound it made under their weight. “I really hope this doesn’t break while we’re sleeping.”

He settled down on his side facing away from Fenris in an attempt to make it less awkward. If he woke up poking Fenris with his morning wood he would die on the spot. He extinguished the candles in his rooms with a gesture, leaving only the flickering light of the dying fire pit coming from the main room of the clinic. “Goodnight.”

Even though Fenris scooted as far over in the cot as he could, he could still feel Anders’ rigid back pressing against his. Anders was obviously uncomfortable with the arrangement. He probably thought Fenris was going to come onto him again despite the earlier rejection, Fenris should have thought about that before he offered. Still, he couldn’t let Anders sleep on the hard dirt floor, it was only one night, they would make it through it. Fenris closed his eyes and tried to sleep.

~

It was pitch dark. Anders couldn't hear trickling water but he could hear trickling water. Same as how he couldn't smell mage bane but he knew he could smell mage bane. If it weren't for the mage bane Anders could summon some fire and it wouldn't be so dark, but there was mage bane and there was nothing he could do about that.

Same as how he knew he was dreaming, but there was nothing he could do about that either.

He could feel Justice trying to wake him, but he couldn't. Justice wasn't there. Anders hadn't met him yet. He hadn't been pulled from the fade yet. They haven't joined. It’s just Anders. Alone. In the dark.

Anders thought the only thing that could make this worse was rats so one ran across his feet which he realized were bare. He felt another nibbling at his pants. There were hundreds now. He couldn't see them, but he knew. They were running around him, growing bold enough to climb up his legs.

The rats began to change. Their faces started melting away. Black ickor began running from their mouths and eyes. If there was light, they would change back, but there wasn’t and he couldn’t make any light of his own. The taint made them hungry. They ran up his arms, scratched at his face, ripped through his hair.

Anders woke up screaming. He was awake, but it was still dark. Justice curled in the back of his mind trying to comfort him, but he was still too panicked and shaking to conjure fire into his hand.

Fenris bolted awake at Anders’ scream, and his tattoos flared, ready to fight. But in the light cast from their glow, he saw they were alone. Anders was quiet, but he was shaking. A nightmare, then. Anders had warned him he suffered them.

“Anders? Are you alright?” Fenris cringed inwardly. Of course he wasn’t alright, he had just woken up screaming from a nightmare.

Fenris kept his tattoos activated so they could see, and he awkwardly wrapped his arm around Anders’ shoulder in an attempt at comforting him.

“Shh, you are alright, it was just a dream.”

The faint glow coming off of Fenris lit up the room just enough the ease away the terror that had gripped Anders in the dark. He gasped at Fenris’ touch, too frightened to rationalize away why turning over and clinging to him was a bad idea. He gripped Fenris tightly, buried his face in his neck. He stayed like that until the shaking subsided and his breathing evened out.

Calm, but still shaken, he lit the candle at his bedside with a gesture, but didn’t let go of Fenris. It was selfish, but if Fenris was willing to comfort him, Anders would take what he could get. He needed it. No one had really held Anders like that since Karl. Finally he gained enough composure to whisper, “I’m sorry.”

“For what? Having a nightmare? You can hardly help that. Should I apologize as well for being ill?”

Fenris cradled Anders until he started to calm down. Given the circumstances, holding him shouldn’t have felt as good as it did, but Fenris couldn’t help that. Of course it was just like Anders to apologize for accepting help, despite the fact he freely gave it. Or even tried to force it upon those who did not want it.

Before Fenris could stop himself, he brushed his hand across Anders’ forehead, pushing his hair out of his face. When he realized what he had done, he jerked his hand back. He definitely shouldn’t be taking advantage like that, as much as he wanted to touch Anders right now.

Anders wanted to lean into Fenris’ touch. He wanted to melt into him and take solace in the comfort of his arms, but from the way he jerked away from Anders, he clearly wasn’t comfortable. He withdrew his arms from around Fenris and hugged himself. “Of course you shouldn’t apologize for being ill,” he mumbled.

He made himself comfortable again, but didn’t have it in him to turn away from Fenris this time. If he could see his face, feel his breathing, hear his heart, maybe the nightmares would stay away. “Is it alright if I leave the candle lit?” he asked softly.

Fenris clenched his fist, as if he could hold in the feeling of touching Anders, but obviously that sort of contact wasn’t wanted.

“Go ahead,” Fenris answered, and then settled down next to Anders.

This time Anders had opted to lay facing him. Fenris felt odd about turning his back on him, so he laid down facing Anders as well. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep, but he gave up quickly, and he could tell from Anders’ breathing that he wasn’t having much luck with sleeping either.

“Anders? What you said earlier about solitary… is that why you are afraid of the dark?”

Anders winced. “Yes.” He let out a bitter laugh. “It’s not fair, is it? It doesn’t matter how far I run or how strongly I fight the chantry. There’s a piece of me that will always be in that damned cell. No matter what the future brings, I will carry that degradation until I die.” He felt so ashamed to say this to Fenris. He couldn’t bring himself to look at him as he spoke and yet he couldn’t stop either. He absently started running the fabric of his shirt through his fingers, anything to avoid looking at the elf. “It’s pathetic isn’t it?” he mumbled. “The only warden that’s afraid of the dark.”

“There are many words I would use to describe you. Recalcitrant, abrasive… Brave, too charitable for your own good. Pathetic is not one of them.”

Fenris wished Anders would look up, so he could at least see his face, maybe discern what he was thinking, but he continued anyway,

“What they did to you is not who you are. I have these tattoos that Danarius forced upon me, but I am not his any longer. You escaped, that is what matters. Any marks you may bear do not change that.”

A lump formed in Anders’ throat at Fenris’ words. Of all the people to say that to him, he never thought it would be Fenris. Which was stupid. Of course Fenris understood. Before he could talk himself out of it, he reached out and embraced Fenris again. He buried his face in his neck and breathed him in. “Thank you.”

He didn’t stay that way for long though he wanted to. He pulled back just far enough to press his forehead against Fenris’. Finding the resolve he needed in Fenris’ eyes, he spoke again. “We should get some sleep. You need your strength. And I will need mine. But I need your word on something. Promise me you won’t give up, and I swear you will not die so long as there’s breath in me.” As if to seal the vow he made, Anders leaned up and placed a kiss on Fenris’ forehead.

Despite Fenris’ attempts to control his reaction, he still felt his face flush up to his ears. He tried not to think too much into the gesture, Anders was physically affectionate with Isabela, it didn’t mean anything more than a friendly gesture.

“I won’t give up, I swear it. I have come too far to let a disease end me.”

With that, Fenris rolled over, unable to look at Anders, worried his face would give him away.

Anders spotted the flush that overtook Fenris’ face before he turned away. He supposed he was getting a little too feely for a moment, but it didn’t feel like a rejection either. Anders readjusted himself to get comfortable, closed his eyes and soon fell asleep with a smile on his face. He dreamed of pleasant things that were forgotten when he woke.


	5. Chapter 5

Anders was accustomed to waking early. He rarely got much sleep, but he felt more rested than he had in a long time. Sometime during the night he cuddled up to Fenris’ back and slung his arm over him and woke with his nose pressed against the back of Fenris’ neck. He felt warm and relaxed in spite of the little room the bed offered.

Anders lifted himself up on one arm and peered over Fenris’ shoulder to look at his face. It was nice to see the elf relaxed and unguarded. His face was a little flushed and his hair was a scruffy ruin and yet for some reason Anders thought he never looked lovelier. Fenris was always lovely, anyone with eyes could see that, but Anders felt like Fenris was allowing him to witness something special and seemed all the more beautiful to him.

He moved his hand to caress Fenris’ cheek, but stopped short as he remembered himself. Fenris was dying. He didn’t want to spend the night with Anders. He wasn’t purposely allowing himself to be vulnerable in front of Anders. He had no choice in the matter and the fact that Anders was taking advantage of that was… Frankly it was disgusting and Anders hated himself for it.

Fenris wasn’t his. He didn’t want Anders. Any closeness they experienced the previous night was born out of pity and an overall awkward circumstance. Everything Anders had said, had admitted to him the night before hit him all at once. How stupid he must have sounded. Stupid and desperate and sad.

Anders turned over so he could sit up properly on the edge of the bed, with his back facing Fenris. His heart ached the more he thought of how foolish he was. He rubbed his hands over his face, trying to ease some of the stinging of his eyes. He put his boots on and stood to put on his coat, feeling too wretched to even bother with fresh clothing.

He stumbled a bit in his haste to leave his room, pausing at the doorway leading to the clinic. He turned and looked over his shoulder to where Fenris laid sleeping. Anders knew how hard and fast he fell for people. He also knew the desperation he engaged in when debating with Fenris was born from a strong desire to count him as a friend. Anders knew he wanted something he could never have. It would be best for everyone if he cut off his feelings now.

He took a deep breath to steel himself, but as he exhaled his lungs seized. Panic stuck him as he began to choke. He doubled over, taking his fist and pressing into his abdomen. He could feel an obstruction come loose and shoot up his throat and into his mouth. He spat into his hand and at the feel of the object his blood ran cold. Slowly he opened his hand, knowing what he would find, but still hardly believing the wad of small white flower petals that came from his lungs.

~

Fenris woke up alone, but the bed was still warm where Anders had been. He rolled back over into the warm spot, not quite willing to get up yet. He had awoken several times during the night, he suspected because he was having difficulty breathing. He let his eyes drift close, but he could hear movement in the other room and he quickly gave it up.

He shifted out of the bed, he didn’t even try to fix his hair, but he at least put on fresh clothing, a loose tunic in a dull green and black leggings.

When he exited the room he saw Anders hunched over slightly, his back was to him, but something seemed off.

“Is something wrong?”

The first thing Anders did after realizing he had contracted the flower disease was rush the couple and their new child out of the clinic with explicit instructions to come see Anders immediately if any of them develop a cough. Next he drafted a note and paid one of the urchins that hang around the outside the clinic for safety to rush it to Hawke’s. Then he took down the lantern outside his door and placed it on it’s side to indicate the clinic was in quarantine.

He had just locked the clinic doors when Fenris made himself known. He rounded on him a bit startled, but caught himself and gave a weak smile. “Oh nothing, just a bit stiff from last night.” He felt awkward looking Fenris in the eye, so he turned away to busy himself with some papers he had on his desk. “I closed up the clinic until you’re cured. I need to devote my time to studying the specimen along with anything Hawke and Merrill discovered.”

Anders seemed off, like he was anxious about something, but Fenris didn’t press him. It was likely the stress of dealing with an unknown disease, with only a riddle and an odd specimen to go on. He felt bad about being the reason Anders shut down his clinic, there were many more in Darktown who needed Anders’ help. A selfish part of him was glad of it. Anders needed the break, he would still be working, but not seeing to patients all day would be less taxing on him. An even more selfish part of Fenris was happy to have the time to spend around Anders. He chastised himself for that. Anders was busy trying to save his life, and he had already dispensed a lot of effort to help him, Fenris was only taking up more of his time.

Outwardly, Fenris only nodded,

“Have you eaten yet? I can prepare something if you wish. I am not the best cook, but I am sure it won’t be worse than your attempts.”

Anders felt sheepish over forgetting about food again. He showed Fenris where the pantry and cold box was. “There’s some root vegetables in the pantry so maybe you could make a stew or something?” He shrugged. “I got lamb because I know you don’t like fish. I couldn’t really afford enough for two so keep the trimmings so I can catch myself some fish.” He motioned to the back of the clinic. “There’s actually a door behind my quarters that leads out to the bay, so I won’t even need to leave.”

He cleared his desk of the many drafts of his manifesto and began setting out his herbalism kit. Fenris responded well to the embrium so he would try that first. Once organised, he retrieved the specimen. He set it in the middle of his desk and… was at a complete and utter loss at where to start. Justice sometimes could direct him with his unique insights by giving him emotional impressions, but the spirit had been oddly quiet since he woke up. Normally Anders would be a bit worried about his friend, but his mind was full of other things. Like the previous night. Maker was he glad Fenris didn’t seem to want to talk about it either.

Fenris made his way to the pantry, to stay out of Anders’ way as he worked. There really wasn’t much in there at all, and definitely nothing in the way of spices. Then Fenris remembered the apples. He could work with that. First he set to preparing the goat, he started by cutting it off the bone, saving the parts that weren’t good enough to eat as Anders had asked.

He had fished an onion and a couple potatoes out of the pantry, both potatoes had several sprouts growing from them, but he cut them off and set them aside, in case Anders wanted to take up potato farming. Even though there was not a lot of meat, Fenris could fill it out with vegetables, and the apples, to help with the flavor in lieu of spices.

Anders also didn’t have much in the way of cooking vessels and utensils, he found one kettle and one pan. The apple slices, chopped onion, potatoes and goat, all went into the pan to cook. Fenris wasn’t sure how long it needed to cook, and he soon realized the goat would take much longer than the vegetables and apples, and had to scoop them out before they burnt. Several minutes later, he decided the goat was probably done, and he scooped that out onto the plates along with everything else. He was oddly anxious about the meal. He wanted it to be good, he wanted to pay Anders back in some small way if he could.

Anders carefully removed one of the quarters of the specimen from the glass casing. It was odd; Anders had handled preserved specimens before, but the ones he handled previously had a peculiar, unnatural texture to them acquired from the preserving methods. The infected specimen felt like fresh tissue; it didn’t even look off colored.

He laid it out on a clean plate. He then took some dried embrium and ground it down like he had the day Fenris collapsed. He lit it and waved the smoke towards the blooms. The lung swelled on it’s own accord and Anders jumped back startled. It settled back down and Anders tried it again. The lung swelled again, but the roots of the flower constricted, smothering it further.

Anders frowned. Embrium had a stimulant quality which was likely what the lung reacted too. The weirdest part was that the lung reacted at all. It was like it was still alive…

Anders was pulled from his thoughts by a wonderful smell. He watched Fenris finish up the meal he was preparing curiously. He had no idea Fenris could cook. It was nice. Domestic. It made Anders wonder… things.

Thing he shouldn’t wonder and told himself he would let go of. His chest constricted uncomfortable and he turned away to hide his cough. He tried to refocus on his work, but he was mostly distracted by Fenris’ presence busy behind him.

“It is finished.”

When Fenris declared he was finished cooking, Anders set his work aside. Part of him wanted to suggest Fenris save it for himself and Anders could just catch and roast some fish for himself, but Fenris had worked so hard he should at least try it. He thanked him and took the dish. He took a bite and it was incredible. “This is amazing Fenris!” He shoved more in his mouth.

At first Fenris thought Anders was just being kind, but he tried it next and it was… passable? More than passable it was actually good. He felt a swell of pride and something else that he pushed down. It was just a meal

they were sharing partially in thanks for Anders’ aid. Nothing more.

Fenris scuffed his feet in the dirt from where he was sitting across from Anders, trying to think up something to say when his foot slipped in the dirt and hurtled into Anders’ shin.

“Fenhedis!” Fenris cursed, “My apologies, are you alright?”

Anders chuckled and stuck his leg out towards Fenris. “Oh no! My poor fragile mage leg! You’ve crippled me! How will I go on?” He dramatically brought his hand to his face. “There’s only one cure! You must kiss it better!”

Fenris felt the toe of Anders’ boot against his knee, and shoved it away with his foot, laughing.

“Ridiculous mage,” he snorted, “I did not know theatrics was part of your education.”

Anders snorted. “Oh no, I was born this way. I should ask where you learned to cook? This is fantastic!” Anders felt warm inside. It was nice just relaxing with Fenris. Damn he was so hopeless.

Fenris shrugged, “Sometimes at parties Danarius would have me stay in the kitchens to stop potential poisonings. I had never attempted cooking before, but I have seen it done.”

Anders swallowed suddenly feeling awkward. “Well you did amazing for a first try.” He looked down at the carefully prepared meal. “I never really tried to cook either until I became a warden. We didn’t really have a staff at Vigils Keep so we all took turns. And Maker if you think my cooking is bad, it’s a feast compared to Cousland’s. I swear that woman could burn water.” He chuckled thinking of his old friend. “Ohgren was surprisingly good in the kitchen. So was Velanna, but she always gave the impression that she just might have poisoned everyone.”

“It sounds like they were good friends,” Fenris felt a pang in his stomach. It reminded him of friends he used to have, and betrayed.

“Velanna… That sounds Dalish. What was one of the people doing in the Grey Wardens?”

Fenris had heard legends of wardens riding griffins before they all went extinct, and at the thought of a Dalish warden he replaced them in his mind with halla. He wondered if Anders had ever seen one.

Anders gave a wry smile. “She was murdering people on the trade roads because she thought humans abducted her sister. Turned out it was Darkspawn, so she joined the wardens. She was a bit volatile. Absolutely hated humans. Can’t say I blame her though.” He finished his meal and set the dishes aside with a bit of a sad smile. “They were good friends. All of them, even Velanna when she wasn’t angry with the world. What about you? Were you really alone the entire time after you ran from that magister before you came to Kirkwall?”

“No, I had Asan, Shad and Pavari. Asan and Shad were Tal Vasoth, they defected from the Qun during the war in Seheron. Pavari was a slave from Tevinter, like me. Asan and Shad rescued her from her master and she joined them in the Fog Warriors to liberate Seheron from the Qun and Tevinter.”

“My freedom was a mistake. I had been separated from Danarius and left to die during an attack but Pavari recognized the look in my eyes and took pity on me… Or so she told me. They taught me what freedom was and I-“ his voice cracked, “And I betrayed them.”

Anders listened to the story with a smile. That explained how a former Tevinter slave knew Qunlat. His smile fell when Fenris broke off. “What happened?” He quickly amended, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but it’s… obviously something that pains you. Talking about could help.”

Fenris could hardly speak past the lump in his throat. He didn’t know how he could tell Anders this. He didn’t want to know how Anders would look at him after knowing. He had struggled for his freedom, and Fenris had it handed to him and he betrayed the friends who gave it to him.

“Freedom was an ideal I had no understanding of. I had no family, no memories, nothing but Danarius and following his every order… My friends in Seheron taught me differently. Shaad had been Ashaad, a scout before he left the Qun. Asan was formerly Karashok and often teased Shaad for his unoriginality in choosing his name. Pavari was a kitchen servant but Shaad taught her to use a blade. She had a talent for it.”

“When Danarius returned for me, none of that mattered. I was still his. And when he told me to turn my blade on the Fog Warriors, I did as he asked. I killed them, and then fled. Unable to face what I had done.”

Fenris raised his chin and leaned forward, voice thick with self-loathing,

“What do you have to say about that? Perhaps you were right about me being nothing more than a wild dog.”

Anders could feel his heart breaking for Fenris. He couldn’t believe Danarius had such a firm hold on him at one time. Doubly for the hurtful things he said that Fenris threw back in his face. All the more reason the growing feelings he had needed to be forgotten. How could he try to replace such awful things with words of love? “You’re not a dog, Fenris. I’m sorry I ever said such a things,” he said softly.

Anders wanted to vomit. Had Anders known the full extent of Fenris’ servitude, he never would have called him such cruel names. That’s wrong. He never should have said it regardless of his past. No wonder he hated him. “Your freedom wasn’t a mistake. You’re not an animal. And it wasn’t your fault. You’re the victim in this. Danarius groomed you to obey to him. He wiped away anything else you could have held onto, leaving only himself. That you were able to escape him and defy him for so long after what he did to you only speaks of your strength.”

Fenris slumped in his seat in part relief and part exhaustion.

“That is why I must kill Danarius, or I will never truly be free. I must kill him for Shaad and Asan… and Pavari.”

“Well. That was a pleasant conversation topic for lunch. What about the weather? I see we have been spared from toxic leaks of chokedamp.”

Anders snorted. “Well there's always tomorrow.” He wanted to reach out and hold Fenris’ hand, but he thought he might be crossing a line. “You will avenge them. And when that day comes, you won’t be alone.”

Desperate for a change of topic he clapped his hands once and stood. “Do you want to see something weird? I could use a second set of eyes on this.”

Fenris turned to eye the specimen warily, every day in Kirkwall involved seeing something weird. The city just wasn’t right.

“I am apprehensive but also curious to see something even you would deem as weird.”

He stood and followed Anders over to the table where he had the specimen.

Anders beckoned Fenris closer to the specimen and burned some more embrium. "Embrium is a stimulant. Bored young herbalist like to chew it and..." and find a secluded spot in the library, but he probably shouldn't say that. "They like to chew it. It's often used to help breathing problems because when it's burned it stimulates the lungs and opens the airways."

He wafted the smoke from the burning embrium towards the specimen quarter. The piece of lung expanded and the roots of the flower constricted. "So. What do you think?"

“It looks… alive.”

It also looked exactly as he felt, every breath was pained with the flowers in his lungs constricted his airways. He reached his fingers out apprehensively, and before he could touch it he jerked his hand back. That was… unexpected. And unpleasant.

“I felt something. Like a tug on my markings.”

“It responded to the lyrium?” That didn’t make any sense. Fade constructs aren’t real. The only thing that can leave the fade are spirits and demons. And it can’t be spirit. “Maybe it’s a plant that only grows where the veil is thin? But that still doesn’t explain how the lung is still trying to breathe without a brain telling it to do so.”

“It’s a spirit!”

Anders turned and saw Merrill and Hawke standing in the clinic doorway. “Excuse me?” he asked. That really didn’t make any sense.

Merrill looked ecstatic, she was practically bouncing on the balls of her feet as she spoke. “The Keeper says she’s heard of it before! It’s a minor spirit possession!”

Fenris made a pained sound.

“How? I have not made any deals with demons.”

He stood and paced across the clinic floor,

“But what of the cure? Will you have to perform a ritual like with Feynriel?”

That had been an unpleasant experience, but Fenris would do it if it would rid him of his ailment, and the apparent demon.

“Oh no, nothing like that.” Merrill continued. “Feynriel was never actually possessed. His mind was being attacked while he slept because the spirits were trying to cross out of the fade through him. This is something that has already crossed out of the fade. It could pass through on it’s own because it was small enough to get through the cracks. I’m loathe to even call it a possession. It’s more like….” she trailed of thinking. “A house! A typical possession is like the demon came in a kicked you out of your house. A deal like the one Anders has with Justice is sort of like your lover moving in with you. This is more like finding bugs in your pantry. It doesn’t have enough of a consciousness to deal with you like a regular spirit, it’s just looking for some place warm with food.”

Anders flushed at Merrill comparing his joining with Justice like moving in with a lover. “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!” Anders exclaimed. “You can’t just get a little possessed!”

Merrill gave Anders a nasty look. “Honestly, why did you even bother asking for my help if you were going to dismiss it outright?”

Anders pinched the bridge of his nose. “I appreciate it Merrill, I do, but it doesn’t make any sense. Maybe Marethari is just mistaken on this particular case. She hasn’t even seen Fenris or the specimen I found. We knew so little when you went to her for help. And we’re not much better off, but we’ve managed to uncover some things while you were gone.” He gestured toward the table with the specimen.

Fenris turned to face Merrill, “And? What of the cure?” He was starting to get frustrated, she had given them a lot of information, but all he cared about was fixing it.

“I’m sorry, Fenris. There isn’t one that we know of. Everyone who got it either died or got better on their own.”

Fenris could hear the blood flowing through his ears. So that was it then, he had a demon inside of him and no way to get it out, and all he could do was wait to see if he died or not.

“Fenris, I’m sure Anders will-” Hawke started.

“No!” Fenris shouted, turning his back on Hawke, Merrill and Anders, “That cannot be, there has to be something! Something I can do…” He trailed off.

Anders’ specimen. It was still alive with the demon inside it, he had felt it through his lyrium. He pressed a hand to his chest, lit his lyrium lines, and reached into his own chest. It was agony, but he gritted his teeth and endured, reaching further into his lungs until he felt it. A tug on his brands and he solidified his fingers, grabbed a bloom and yanked it out like he would any heart. His vision was started to go hazy and black around the edges, but he turned to face his friends again, he held tight to the bloom despite the thorns digging into his palm.

“I will claw this demon out of my own chest, bloom by bloom if I must, but I will not let it take me.”

He felt the blood welling up in his lungs, and when he coughed, he felt it on his lips and tasted it on his tongue. He dropped the flower, stumbling, and then his vision went all black.


	6. Chapter 6

As soon as Fenris lit his brands, Anders knew what he was going to do. He shouted for him to stop, but it was too late. All he could do is watch helplessly as Fenris shredded his own lungs. He readied his magic and caught Fenris as he collapsed. He held his back to his chest and sank to the ground with him.

He worked fast, knitting the shredded tissue back together as fast as he could. The damage was extensive; Anders didn't know if he could put it back together correctly, but he had to try. He could feel Justice surging against him, the most he'd heard from him all day. Through their connection he got the sense of a third presence. Then he felt the obstruction in Fenris' lungs shift and begin to pull. The pieces of Fenris lungs came together easier and he could soon feel them breathe on their own albeit much weaker than before. 

Anders took several deep breaths trying to slow his rapidly beating heart. Once the fear subsided he was angry, mostly at Fenris for being so reckless, but it was much easier to get angry with Merrill. "What were you thinking just blurting that all out like that?!" he hissed.

Merrill look horrified. "I didn't think he would-"

"What in your years of associating with Fenris gave you the idea he would take any of that well?! Especially when we don't even know for certain if that it is a possession!"

Hawke tried to cut in. "Would you stop-!"

"But it is! Generations of records-!"

"Possessions aren't contagious Merrill!"

Both women went silent, stunned. Anders was seething. He stared up at them daring them to refute him. 

Hawke spoke first. "When-?"

"This morning." Anders snapped. He continued to hold Fenris with his hand pressed against the elf's chest feeling the shallow breaths. The damage was worrying. Even if he survives this, he may have respiratory problems for the rest of his life. 

Merrill crouched down to his level. "A spirit can split itself. Or it could have attracted other spirits." 

Anders knew that, but it still didn't make sense. "Wouldn't Justice have kept it out?" He probed the spirit, but he had gone silent again. 

"Not necessarily. Its small and barely conscious." She lifted her hand like she was going to touch Anders' shoulder, but pulled it back. "We should move him to a cot." Anders nodded and she helped him lift Fenris and place him in a cot to rest.

~

Fenris slowly faded back into consciousness. He tried to grasp onto the hazy fog of sleep, being awake hurt. But the pain kept him from it. He slowly cracked his eyes open, and the first thing he saw was Anders hovering over him. It was strange, looking into Anders’ face, and seeing the worried furrow in his brow and feeling nothing. He could remember a shadow of a feeling. He tried to reach for it, that bit of emotion, but like sleep, it eluded him. He felt sad, like he had just lost something important, but he couldn’t remember what he was missing. 

“Anders? Why do you look at me like that?” His voice sounded oddly flat to his ears.

Anders nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of Fenris’ voice. His memory latched onto an image of Karl, brown eyes that use to be so warm, looking dully at him as Anders pulled out his dagger. He felt nauseous. It was like a terrible nightmare that he couldn’t live through again. He’d rather turn the dagger on himself. “Fenris,” he whispered, his voice shaking. “Are you alright?”

“I feel… strange,” Fenris sat up, rubbing at his chest with one hand and staring in front of him as the room wobbled slightly. “Like I have forgotten something. But what, I do not know.”

He looked back at Anders, noticing his face was even paler than usual and he felt a flash of panic in his chest,

“Something happened. Are you unwell?”

His worry triggered something inside of him and it all came back to him. What Merrill had said, the flowers, the blood. And… Anders. Of course, how could he forget that? 

Fenris made a strained noise in the back of his throat, and leaned forward, cradling his head in his hands.

“I’m sorry. I have made this all worse, haven’t I?”

Anders could have cried in relief at seeing the recognition in Fenris’ eyes. As it was he cupped his face in his hands and pulled him closer to kiss his forehead. “You most certainly did you great fool of an elf,” he said fondly. “As your healer you are to consult me first before any impromptu surgeries.” 

Fenris leaned into Anders’ touch, sighing. He certainly had been doing a lot of blacking out lately. And this thing with Anders… he wasn’t ready to start unpacking that yet. He still couldn’t tell if Anders’ gentleness and care for him was because he was a healer and he cared for all his patients, or if it was because they were friends. Or possibly more, but he squashed that thought down. He would worry about that later. He was in no shape to be contemplating that.

After a few moments, Fenris pulled away reluctantly.

“So what now? Are Merrill and Hawke still here?”

“No they left while you were out.” Anders sat back down on a stool he set by Fenris’ bedside. Merrill left him with much to think about. Maker but he wished he could talk to Justice right now. “If, and that's a very large if, Merrill is right and it's a minor possession, there has to be a way to banish the spirit. Maybe through Templar techniques?”

He thought in silence for a moment. “At least your little stunt ruled out surgery. I had actually been considering it if I could figure out how to safely separate the roots from the specimen lung. But…” Anders shivered. “That was terrifying. For moment I thought it had made you tranquil.”

That explained Anders’ reaction, then. It had happened before he met Hawke, but Fenris knew about Anders’ lover who had been made tranquil. Fenris shook his head, thinking about going to the templars for help,

“No, no templars. It might put you in danger. And who knows what they would do to me if they learned of my brands.”

Before either of them could continue, there was a knock on the clinic door. 

“Fenris? Anders? Pardon my intrusion, I’m coming in,” A familiar voice with a lilting accent shouted, and a second later Fenris heard the door swing open. 

Fenris didn’t think to ask Anders if it was alright for Sebastian to invade in his private quarters, and he called out, “We are back here.”

A few moments later the curtain was pushed aside and Sebastian stepped in, looking rather uncomfortable. He was carrying a basket full of apples and baked goods, that he thrust towards Anders.

“Hawke told me of what happened. I’m sorry it took me so long to come visit, my friend, but I have lit candles and prayed for you,” He turned to Anders with a bit of hesitation, Fenris didn’t blame him, Anders had always been especially eager to pick fights with him “I understand we have you to thank for Fenris still being with us.”

Anders could think of at least five occasions off the top of his head that Sebastian could owe him thanks for. Normally Anders doesn't think of the healing he does on jobs with Hawke. It just seems like a natural position for him to take in the team. But there was something about Sebastian that made Anders count every ounce of mana he spent saving that pretty little face of his. 

"Did you hear that Fenris?" Anders said sardonically. "He lit a candle for you. Nothing to worry about now." He stood a bit abruptly, suddenly needing more space than the tight quarters provided. He set the basket on the little table within Fenris reach in case he got hungry. "I'll leave you to your visit. I have things to do that actually have results." He left them alone to talk.

Anders went over to the specimen and sat down feeling helpless. He gathered some mana shot it with a small healing spell. Nothing happened, not that he expected it to. Sebastian's presence always put him on edge. He always half expected him to show up with a squad of templars. And he was so deliberately obtuse about Anders' discomfort all Anders wanted to do was punch him in his perfect white teeth. 

He frowned at the specimen. Anders clearly wasn't going to have any focus while Sebastian was in the clinic. He should probably go fishing before his bait starts to rot. But he would have to go through his sleeping quarters to get to the back door and he didn't want to interrupt them.

Balls. 

Maybe he should start a written record of his research so far? It wouldn't do to miss something because he couldn't keep his facts straight. He got some parchment and a quill and ink and began documenting his findings, starting with a drawing of the specimen.

Fenris felt a bit guilty as he watched Anders storm out. He knew Anders didn’t like Sebastian at all, but he was still happy to see his friend. Sebastian shook his head,

“I don’t know why I bother being nice to him. He’s always so intent on starting a fight.”

Fenris shrugged, “Anders is not as unreasonable as you think.”

Sebastian looked at Fenris sharply, “I noticed you’d been acting differently around him. Are you sure your affection is wise? He’s dangerous and selfish, Fenris. He will never choose you over his cause.”

“I do not wish to fight with you, but you are wrong about him. He has been… kind to me.” That didn’t even begin to cover how Fenris felt about Anders. 

“I’m sorry, you are unwell, I didn’t mean to bother you with this, I’m just concerned.”

Fenris curled his lip up in a small half smile, “I know, and it is appreciated, but do not concern yourself with Anders.”

After that, the conversation turned to more pleasant topics, but Sebastian did not stay long. He was still uneasy about Anders, and did not want to intrude on his space any more than he had, and he soon departed. 

Feeling cranky, Anders locked the door after Sebastian. He still wasn’t concentrating very well, so he set aside the notes he was making and decided to go fishing as he planned. He took off his coat and gathered the extra lamb pieces that Fenris set aside for him to use as bait. He retrieved his fishing pole and stepped into his quarters to take the back door out into the little hidden ledge on the bay.

Seeing Fenris still in the room, he stopped to explain where he would be. “I’m going to fish for bit.” He felt a little awkward, he was pulled between wanting Fenris to come with him and wanting to be alone with his thoughts. His desire for company won out. “You can come out too if you want. Get some fresh air.” 

“That sounds nice,” Fenris replied. He carefully rolled out of the cot, his legs were still a bit wobbly beneath him but he made it outside alright with Anders’ assistance.

The fresh air was welcome, as much as Anders tried to keep the clinic clean, it still had a musty smell like all of darktown. That simply couldn’t be helped. The area outside was barely more than a ledge, just wide enough for them to walk across it, and every wave threatened to rush over the side of the ledge. Fenris sank down, resting his back against the wall and dangling his bare feet in the water. They sat in silence for a time, until Fenris finally broke it,

“I am sorry for my presumptuousness in inviting Sebastian into your room. You have already given up a lot of your time and privacy to help me, and I know you don’t like Sebastian.”

“I don’t like how fake Sebastian is. He’s all smiles and good will, but he’s just jumping at the chance to stab Merrill and me in the back. The only reason he hasn’t is because he’s too damn spineless to go against Hawke. He and the Grand Cleric are two of a kind; sweet platitudes with absolutely no will to actually do anything.” Anders growled his frustration, but at the realization he just tore down someone Fenris considers a friend, he calmed himself. “Sorry. I know he’s a friend of yours, so I don’t mind him visiting you while you’re in my care.”

Speaking of Sebastian, there was something that had been on Anders’ mind for a while. “Thank you, by the way. For protecting me against him. I honestly didn’t expect you decline turning me over to the templars. I know how you feel about… my arrangement with Justice.”

Fenris shrugged, “The templars would’ve killed you for Justice, we may not have agreed on a lot, but I could not allow that. We were still allies then and I have come to… consider you a friend.”

Fenris paused, unsure if he should continue his thoughts, but being more honest had worked so far, “I am still unsure of how I feel about your Justice, but I do not believe he means any of us harm. He has fought alongside us many times over the years, and has yet to attack any of us.”

Anders’ insides churned at the mention of Justice never attacking anyone. He could still clearly see the frightened girl’s face as he was helpless to stop Justice from harming her. If it wasn’t for Hawke…. Maker. He was glad Fenris hadn’t seen him like that. “You’re… not wrong to be weary. He’s not mortal and he doesn’t have a mortal’s grasp of nuance.” 

He stared out to the sea in silence. The sun was hanging low and the moon was beginning to rise. Anders listened to the calm movements of the waves and the distant call of the sea birds. “It’s my fault Justice is the way he is. Kristoff was dead, but Justice still had access to some of his memories. I wish you could have known him then. He was calm. Determined, but still peaceful.”

“He isn’t anymore then?” Fenris was still terrified of Justice, but it seemed he was a part of Anders, and Anders had accepted him even after learning what he had done to the Fog Warriors, so Fenris would try to extend the same courtesy. 

Anders sighed heavily. He dreaded this a bit but it must be said. “We’re one, Fenris. My anger is his anger. My fear is his fear. But he was never meant to feel those things. The worst part is, I honestly don’t know how it’s affecting him. I feel like I hurt my friend, but I can’t even get his input on what’s going on.” He sighed and smiled sadly. “Although it might be really funny if you met Justice. He’s drawn to lyrium, says it reminds him of ‘home.’ He’d probably be all over you like a cat on catnip.”

Fenris hmmed thoughtfully. He had an idea, it probably was not a good idea, but he decided to try it anyway.

“And is it the same with you? What would happen if I…” Fenris lifted a hand, lighting his brands, and reached for Anders’ hand. He stopped with his palm hovering just out of touch, waiting for Anders’ permission. Anders nodded, and Fenris closed the distance, covering Anders’ hand with his own.

Anders felt a rush as Fenris touched his hand. The lyrium buzzed against his skin, sent tingles into his fingers that made him shiver. He felt Justice surge to the surface and gasped as he barely managed to contain the spirit. He gave a little breathless laugh. “Well it’s certainly something. Though if you want me to rub myself all over you, you just need to ask nicely.” 

Anders flushed deeply once he realized what he just blurted out. “That came out…” he stuttered. “That came out. I mean…” He cleared his throat in embarrassment. “I mean Justice is really fascinated by the lyrium and he keeps trying to come out to get closer to it. Wow I’m so sorry I made this weird,” he rambled, steadily getting redder as he talked. 

Stupid mouth. Stupid brain. Stupid overactive sex drive.

Fenris’ heart was thrumming in his chest, but he forced himself to remain calm, “A tempting offer, maybe some other time.” 

Anders had said it himself, he wasn’t looking for anything serious, and Fenris wouldn’t be able to stand having just one night with Anders when he wanted a lifetime. Fenris looked down, observing the small blue fractures opening along Anders’ hand, but he remained present, keeping Justice at bay.

“I can speak to him, if you wish,” Fenris was terrified at the thought, but Anders’ inability to communicate with him was causing him great distress, and Fenris hoped he could help.

Anders’ insides shriveled in mortification. Damn the elf and his sarcasm. 

He was admittedly intrigued by the offer to talk to Justice, Anders never gave up control on purpose before. He wasn’t sure how it would work out. But he knew his friend wouldn’t keep him from taking control back, so there was really no harm. “All right. If you’re sure.”

Fenris nodded and Anders let go. Justice emerged from the fog of Anders’ consciousness. Everything always seemed so bright whenever he got peeks of the mortal world through Anders’ eye. Only the temptation of the lyrium was what kept Justice from focusing on the brilliant colors of the setting sun over the horizon. 

He regarded the elf that had been steadily taking up more of Anders thoughts, even before the wisp nested inside his body. He wanted to be closer. The weight of his hand over Justice’s hand (no, Anders’ hand and he best not forget that), was pleasant and buzzed with the song of the fade. But he knew he would need permission first before he tried to get closer. And given Fenris’ and Anders’ history, it would probably be best to not ask at all. 

He instead considered what Anders had been thinking on before relinquishing control. “I HAVE BEEN CONSIDERING -” He cut himself off, shocked at his own volume. It that really what he sounds like when he breaks through? No wonder people are frightened of him. “My apologies,” he continued, “I am not accustomed to everything being so bright and loud,” he said softly. “But I know of Anders’ worries. I worry myself as well. I was never meant to be here and I’ve seen many other spirits become corrupted on this side.” 

Fenris nodded, still a bit frightened of the spirit, but he was pretty sure Justice wouldn’t harm him.

“Do you wish to return? Is it even possible?”

Fenris had never known Anders without Justice, would he be different? Would Fenris still feel the same way about that Anders?

“I do not know. My crossing the veil was unconventional; a powerful blood mage forced me from the fade and I resided in a corpse until I joined with Anders. As for whether I wish to return,” he paused and thought about it for a moment. He missed his home, but there was much good he could do. “There is much injustice in this world. I feel compelled to stand against it, as is my nature. Though because of my nature, there is much here I do not understand without changing. I do not wish to change.” 

That worried Justice as well. He remembered the girl he almost killed, how it grieved Anders and once Justice regained his composure, himself as well. He had been angry at the templars for abusing their power, but his rage had not been sated once they were dead. That he could feel so strongly and so contradictory to his nature had frightened him. That he was frightened was also worrying. 

“My changing will have to wait for another time, there is a more pressing issue.” Justice said finally. “Merrill was not wrong. A wisp, an immature spirit, has nested inside you. It found a place in your soul that was open and tried to fill it.”

Justice was not at all what Fenris expected him to be. Of course, no one had ever really spoken to him before, he always shifted control back to Anders after a fight. However, the confirmation that he had a demon inside of him was not welcome news.

“It is definitely not welcome there, I do not like the idea of a demon nesting in my body. I have had enough of this magic forced upon me. We must find some way to kill it.”

Fenris remembered from their trip to the Fade how much Justice hated demons, that had been the first thing that had started to change Fenris’ mind about the spirit. He had remained loyal to Hawke when Fenris had been unable to. Fenris trusted that Justice would do what he could to rid him of the demon inside him.

“Do you so lightly kill children for not understanding something they did was wrong?” Justice asked, outraged. He had just said it was an immature spirit. “It wants to help you. It had even helped Anders heal the damage you did to your lungs once I was able to connect with it. It saw a hole where one should not be and tried to fix it. Fill it yourself and the wisp will leave on it’s own.”

“A child? It is a demon. How can it have helped me when it is slowly killing me? If it were benevolent as you say, it would have not tried to possess me.” Fenris’ heart was hammering in his chest. Had he misjudged Justice? He didn’t understand why he was taking this demon’s side. As if it had a side at all. It was simply a parasite that needed to be purged before it killed him.

“Did you always know right from wrong? It does not understand what it is to be alive much less mortal. It does not understand that physical beings are not as changeable as a spirit. It tried to merge with you. Another is doing the same to Anders in spite of my presence. Spirits of these kind wish to help. Killing it would deny it of coming into being as I am now. Perhaps it is a small spirit of justice that sees how you have been wronged as a slave and wants to make it right. Or a spirit of compassion trying to sooth your hurts. Would you lightly kill justice or compassion? Would you kill love?” 

Justice could feel Anders pressing against him, wanting him to stop. “Anders is angry with me. Perhaps I should go.” 

“What? Anders is…?” If Anders had one of these… spirits within him, that meant he was ill too. How long had it been going on, and why had he not told Fenris? “Justice, wait. I do not understand what is happening, only that it hurts and I am dying because of this wisp, as you call it. I meant no offense, but it cannot stay here, whatever it is. It is not like you.”

Fenris could almost feel the spirit’s disapproval, and he did not know why, but it felt important that Justice like him. Perhaps it was because he was so intertwined with Anders, who had become important to him. 

Justice regarded Fenris for a moment. He seemed earnest and if there was one thing Justice came to understand during his time with Anders, was the anger and fear that came from a life filled with injustice. “You are right. The wisp should not have imposed on you and it’s doing so is causing great harm. But killing it is not necessary. Find that which makes your soul bereft and fulfill it and the wisp will move on.”

“I am sorry Fenris. My kind are corrupted and killed by mortals very often. Demons are a corruption. Often mortals will summon a spirit and force it into doing that which contradicts its nature and turns them into demons. It is a fear I have. You have been wronged by the same sort of mortal that enslaves my kind. We should be comrades in this and I should not dismiss your own fears.”

“My apologies, Justice. You are… not what I expected.” Fenris had seen abominations in Tevinter, and despite his earlier fears, Anders and Justice were nothing like that.

“You keep saying that I am “bereft” of something, what does that mean? Is it my memories? I have no way to reclaim those. They were torn away during the ritual to give me these markings.”

“Perhaps. I have no way of knowing what it is; only you know what you yearn for.” Justice thought for a moment. The mortal mind was so complex it was hard for him to really grasp much of it. Anders’ frustration with Fenris stemmed from an attraction almost as much as it stemmed from a difference of perspective. Justice didn’t understand it and had half a mind to ask while he had the precious opportunity to speak to someone. Only the vague sense of panic coming from Anders is what held his tongue.

“Your mind and emotions are too varied and complex. Often Anders will think he wants one thing, only to realize it was something else entirely,” he said instead. “Is it your memories you want, or is it the comfort of knowing yourself? Or perhaps you believe your memories hold some key to where you belong. Perhaps finding those things outside of your memories would fill the void they left.”

“I do not know what I want, not entirely. I know that I want freedom, but I do not know what I wish to do with it once I have it. I never had to think on that before. I only wished to carry out Danarius’ will and do what pleased him. Now I think nothing would bring me greater joy than crushing his heart. But what will I do when that is done?”

Fenris leaned his head back, so it was resting against the wall, and looked up into the sky. It was dark enough that he could see stars in the sky above them. 

“What of Anders? He has this too, what is he bereft of when he has you. Is it the mages? I know you wish to free them, is that what will make this wisp move on?”

Anders had always seemed so certain of himself, of his cause. Fenris had thought him foolish for his fervor, but sometimes he had been envious. Anders had a purpose, he knew who he was, it was more than Fenris had. 

Justice had a hard time emoting; he never knew what was appropriate. And though the moment did not seem like an appropriate time to smile, he could feel his face pulling into a sideways smile all the same. “I am flattered you think I fill the voids in his soul, but there are things not even my influence can help. We have our mission, that is true, but even that is only part what his true desire is. He wants back what the Chantry took from him.” 

That was the real crux of this problem. Justice had yet to meet a mortal that wasn’t missing something vital. As long as Anders shook alone in the dark, he would be missing something. If mages were declared free and the circles were dissolved tomorrow, it would still not save his friend. Justice wondered what that meant for him as well. He will not wear the corpse of his friend like a poor costume. 

“Is… Anders still present? Can he hear us speaking?” Anders had said that Justice could always hear them talking, even when Anders was in control, he wondered if it worked like that for Anders, when Justice was in control. “It feels strange to be discussing him like he is not here when his body is.”

He supposed he should reevaluate how they all spoke of Justice as well, Fenris had never really given much thought to Justice as person, rather than just a magical force that made Anders glow sometimes. 

“He can hear us,” Justice confirmed. “We cannot speak to each other as that is not how the mind works, but we can impress emotions on each other and sometimes a strong thought. Who had the thought or emotion can be muddied at times.” He probed Anders see if the conversation was making him uncomfortable. He received a calming feedback. “He does not seem to feel uncomfortable; I feel no anger or indignation coming from him.”

It was interesting talking to Fenris. It had been so long since Justice directly interacted with someone other than Anders in a peaceful manner. “I have enjoyed speaking to you Fenris, but I should give Anders control again. I do not want to get too comfortable this way.” He felt warmth coming from Anders; he appeared to be happy with how this turned out. “There is something I wish to ask, however.”

Fenris couldn’t even begin to imagine how that would feel. Anders had called Justice his friend, but giving up his mind and body like that for anyone was something Fenris did not think he would be capable of himself. Maybe Anders always had been this selfless, and Justice had little to do with him working himself to the bone.

“And what might that be?” Fenris’ skin prickled a bit with anxiousness. He had opened up a lot to Anders, and by extension, Justice, but he had no idea what Justice might want to question him on.

Was this anxiety Justice was feeling? He knew Fenris had an aversion to spirits from the abuses he suffered. But Justice had enjoyed his company and Fenris didn’t seem too terribly against Justice’s company either. “Would you speak with me again? There is much I do not understand from a mortal perspective and would like to ask questions, but I cannot ask Anders. Also you have tend to have opinions that differ from his. I would like other input.”

“I would not be adverse to conversing with you again. You offer interesting perspectives. If only my first meeting with Anders had gone so well, then again, Anders’ abrasiveness is part of his charm,” Fenris’ face flushed with embarrassment. Did he really just say that? It was true, but when phrased that way it sounded like a horrible backhanded compliment. “Do you need me to deactivate my markings to make the switch easier?” 

“I am glad. I am also glad someone enjoys Anders abrasiveness as much as I do,” Justice said fondly. “Until next time, Fenris.” Fenris deactivated his markings and Justice faded to the back of Anders consciousness. Anders got a sense of peace from the spirit mixed with a small amount of longing. It must have felt really good for Justice to speak for himself. Anders was glad for the chance of it and that it may even happen again.

The sun had set over the horizon and the stars were beginning to come out. The tide had risen enough that he could feel the water splash his feet a little. He took a deep breath of fresh sea air and felt completely at peace for a moment. His mind replayed the conversation between Fenris and Justice. A hole in his soul? It made sense in a way, but filling it seemed impossible. 

Justice was right, he would never know peace so long as his time in the Circle haunted him. The memory of his most recent nightmare revisited him, along with how Fenris’ presence made it bearable. He warmed at Fenris’ last statement about him being charming. He gave Fenris a sideways smile. “So,” he said finally breaking the silence, “You like arguing with me then?” 

“I suppose I did find some pleasure in the fact that I even could argue with you as an equal. And your arguments did not fall on deaf ears, it seems you have changed my mind on a few things.” Fenris lifted the corner of his mouth in a half smile. “Even if we did not always get along, I still valued your… companionship.”

At that moment, Fenris realized he was still holding Anders’ hand, and when had he started stroking it with his thumb? He pulled away hesitantly. A cool breeze blew in from the ocean and he shivered.

“It seems I distracted you from your fishing. It is late, we should return you are sick as well and staying out is not good. I have coin so we can purchase food tomorrow.”

Anders was glad for the darkness and the chill if only so Fenris couldn’t see him blushing at his words. He became incredibly aware of Fenris’ warm, strong hand over his, the gentle caress of his thumb against Anders’ knuckles. Another moment, Anders told himself, and he would kiss him and ruin everything. But Fenris pulled away and Anders trembled a little at the loss. He told himself it was for the best.

Anders swallowed. “Ah, right. We’ll go to the market early and avoid the midday crowd.” He stood and dusted himself off. He mentally damned Justice for letting it slip. He was admittedly a little surprised Fenris wasn’t angry with him for keeping his illness a secret. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I also developed symptoms. I didn’t want to worry you.”

“Do not concern yourself with that, it is not as if I could have helped you had I known. Although I do wonder if I could have been responsible. If my proximity lured more wisps to you. That is why you closed the clinic, is it not?” Fenris stood, fussing and smoothing the front of his tunic.

“Come, it is cold, I do do not wish to linger out here.”

Anders almost offered to keep him warm, but remembered boundaries. Even if Fenris was open to his flirting, he probably wouldn’t appreciate the same tactics that got Anders laid all across Ferelden. Instead he just led the way back into the clinic and started a fire to warm up by. He also started some water to boil for tea.

Feeling restless, but unsure what to do about it, he wandered over to his work table to clean up his efforts from the day. He prodded the specimen quarter that he had left out, wondering what the poor sod that it use to belong to had wanted so desperately it killed them. “I guess you’re useless now,” he said a bit annoyed. “I can’t believe I sold my heart for this thing.”

Fenris was going to settle in to bed, but Anders was still flitting about the clinic doing things. He felt odd about laying to rest while Anders was working, so he followed Anders to the front of the clinic. Anders wasn’t speaking to him, he thought he was alone, but Fenris couldn’t help but ask, “What do you mean you sold your heart?”

He felt sick at the thought that Anders would give up a vital organ for him. And when exactly was Xenon planning on collecting that?

Anders snorted. “It was more of a con than anything. I told Xenon he could have my heart after I died. I told him the heart of a warden grants eternal youth.” He sat down next to the fire. The water had began to boil so he pulled it from the flame. He took two cups and placed some herbs in them that would help with sleep. “Here, this will help you sleep,” he said and poured the water into the cups and held one out for Fenris. “I would love to be a fly on the wall when his agents go to the deep roads to collect my heart when it’s time for me to die.”

Fenris’ mouth narrowed, “You still plan on going to your Calling?” He hated the idea of Anders dying alone in the dark, torn apart by darkspawn, “Is there really no other way? You have escaped the wardens, there is no reason for you to go through with that.”

He recalled Larius, the way he muttered to himself about the song; the way his skin had rotted and his hair had fallen out. It hurt him to think of that as being Anders’ fate. He deserved better. 

The calling wasn't exactly a comfortable topic. Anders really didn't want to be torn apart by darkspawn, but in some ways it was better than the alternative. "Provided I live that long. It's better than well... You saw what happened to me. Maker forbid what I do to some poor innocent people should the song drive me mad."

“There are other ways to die than alone in the deeproads,” Fenris didn’t really know what he was saying, what he was offering, but he wouldn’t let Anders die like that. Immediately Fenris chastised himself. That was not for him to decide, Anders was not his. “Well, we have more pressing threats to our lives to worry about now. We could die of this disease or have our throats slit as we sleep. There is no point in worrying about that now.”

"True. If the parasitic baby spirit doesn't get me, the templars probably will." Anders was well aware his life would end shortly and messy. It was all the more reason for him to set aside his feelings. He took a sip of his tea and winced at the scalding heat. "Now after that cheery note, what's the likelihood of us making it to Tevinter without keeling over so we can murder Danarius?"

Fenris frowned. He had run from Danarius but it still seemed his life was in his hands. “There must be some other way. He is in Minrathous, it is impossible for us to get to him there when we are in this state. We would be captured for sure. I do not like the idea of my life being bound to his death in this way.” 

“And what of you? It only took a week for the disease to progress this far for me, you will never be able to free the mages of even Kirkwall in that time. We must find some other solution…” Fenris knew Justice would not want the spirits killed, but if it was a choice between him and Anders or the spirits, he knew what he would choose.

Justice had said it wasn’t necessarily the literal things they wanted that would fill the voids in their souls. Which made sense. Ending the circles would give Anders peace of mind knowing no other young mage would be ripped from their family and forced into slavery, but it wouldn’t change how the circles damaged him irreparably. “If this is the part where we start talking about our feelings, I’m going to need something stronger than tea.”

He rubbed at his eyes. “How did Justice put it? I want back what was taken from me? Where do I even start with that?” He stood abruptly, agitated, and paced around the room. “The stigma against magic turned my own father against me. As a circle mage, I could never have been allowed to have a family of my own. Hell, it was too dangerous to even make close friends without the templars potentially using them against you.” 

Talking about what the circle did to him had Anders pacing faster with growing anger. “I have kept everyone I have ever cared about at arms length.” He was yelling now. “I’m paranoid, nervous and I can’t even a decent night’s fucking sleep! And now, NOW! Just the fact that I feel these things is going to kill me!” He shouted and kicked a wash bucket across the room in frustration. The exertion caused his lungs to seize, forcing him to double over in a wracking cough. 

Once he got himself under control again he sat back down with his head in his hands. “I’m sorry, Fenris,” he said softly. “I know you’ve gone through much the same, but…” He took a deep, rattling breath and fought the urge to start coughing again. “I’m sorry I’m the worst person you could have to help you through this.”

Fenris watched Anders, unsure of what to do to help him. He was scared too. It was unfair how far they had come only to have whatever it was that they had missing be their undoing. He crossed the room and sat next to Anders. 

“No, Anders, I am having a difficult time thinking of anyone whose company I would rather be in. We will find a way through this, together.”

Anders froze, his heart hammering in his chest. Fenris never said things he didn’t mean out of dull pity. He actually trusted Anders with this. He slowly looked up at him. Seeing his resolve calmed Anders, let him believe if only for moment he wasn’t too broken to be saved. Damn that beautiful, wonderful elf for making him hope. He wanted to thank him, but that didn’t seem like enough. He huffed a bitter laugh. “Just last night I told you not to give up. And here I am. What did you call me once? A mage and a hypocrite?”

He stood and before he could stop himself, he pulled Fenris into a hug. “Thank you. You’re right. The only way we get through this is together.” He pulled back, sliding his hands down Fenris’ arms until his fingers were linked with Fenris’ and attempted to smile. “We should get some sleep.” He attempted a joke. “I have my own bed back so I won’t scream in your ear or get weepy and spoon you all night.”

Fenris wanted to tell Anders to stay with him, that he was welcome to weep on him, turn to him for comfort from his nightmares and hold him, on this night and all future nights. But he didn’t. He simply said, “Very well. Good night, Anders.” He gave Anders’ hand one squeeze, then left him, letting his hand slip out of his grasp.


	7. Chapter 7

The next day found them in the Lowtown market, haggling for food. Well, Anders haggled and Fenris watched with amusement. Fenris had never bothered, he always paid the merchants what they asked. The coin would have ended up stowed under his floorboards anyway. A nearby booth caught Fenris’ eye and he slipped away, leaving Anders to his own shopping. 

It was selling brass jewelry burnished to look like gold, the particular piece that caught his eye was a round pendant with a cat’s silhouette cut out of it. The merchant caught him looking at it, “That one’s a fine piece! It’s hollow inside to hold herbs and incense, the nobles like to use them to hide the stink of the city. I got the herbs for sale here too.”

Fenris was tempted, it made him think of Anders, but he decided it was too forward. He and Anders were just starting to be friends, he wouldn’t ruin it with unwanted advances. He shook his head, and left to find Anders.

“Have you gotten what you need?”

Anders knew when he was being cheated. It hadn’t happened to him a lot since he set up the clinic, but he had a strong suspicion that it had more to do with his companion than with himself. Particularly when the vendor didn’t relent until Fenris wandered off. Bastard. Anders should tell his wife about him mysteriously coming down with the rash that was going through the Rose and it’s patrons.

When Fenris returned, Anders had moved on from the vendors and was trying to coax a kitten out from a crate with a little bit of fish. Truly the worst thing about being possessed was how animals tended to avoid him now. He straightened up at Fenris’ question. “I should probably ask you if we’re finished. I’m sorry but you’re now on permanent cooking duty.”

Fenris’ mouth quirked into a smile, “Probably for the best.” Anders had been right about his porridge tasting terrible. “I have everything I require, we should return now.” The heat and the crowd in Lowtown was making him feel sick and strained, he was eager to be back at the clinic in the cool of Darktown. It had been sometime since he had a coughing fit, but he could still feel the flowers prickling in his lungs, and he found he was always short of breath.

Anders had managed to stretch Fenris’ coin much further than he expected, and he was able to prepare a decent meal for them. He made a stew this time, the bone from the goat made an excellent broth. They even had a crusty bread to go with it. They sat at the table in the clinic together eating. Fenris had slept little the previous night, busy thinking on how to fix their problem and banish the wisps. The rhyme they had found made sense now, but offered no further insight than whoever had written it desired love. But what was it that he and Anders needed? And how would the obtain it in time? 

Fenris cleared his throat, fighting back the urge to cough more when he felt the petals tickling the back of his throat, “Have you thought of any solutions? I must admit, I have no idea what more we could do. It seems our problems are too great to solve in the time we have.” Unless… Fenris had a sudden thought, “What if we already have what we desire but do not know it? We have our lives, I am free from Danarius, you have escaped the circle. We have friends, we have Hawke, and each other. Is that not enough?”

Anders gorged himself on Fenris’s stew, wondering what he would have to do to convince the elf to feed him after he was well again. Anders wondered if maybe his aptitude in the kitchen was one of the memories Danarius stole from him. He honestly didn’t think Fenris would have a problem figuring things out for himself. He was thoughtful, observant and incredibly self aware. 

However, the more Anders thought about how he could cure himself, the more insurmountable it seemed. He knew he would never be whole again. That’s why he opened himself to Justice and threw himself into his missions. His only worry was what would happen to his friend once he was gone. Justice had been quiet since his little chat with Fenris, probably because of the wisp. What if Justice died with him because the wisp had overrun Anders’ body?

It’s at those dark thoughts that Fenris posed the question of their freedom. Anders wanted to believe him. Especially when he said they had each other, but… “But that’s not true, is it?” he asked. “If you were truly free from Danarius, you wouldn’t still be dodging the slavers he sends after you. You can’t rest, can’t lay down roots, until he’s been dealt with.” When he said it all aloud it sounded harsh, so he tried to soften it a bit. “I’m not saying the progress and friendships you’ve made aren’t wonderful. They are. But Danarius is still a shadow over your life.

“And me,” he continued. “If I were truly a free man, I wouldn’t have to run my clinic in a sewer. I wouldn’t have to keep my head down and rush past the chantry lest the templars notice me. I may not be imprisoned, but I will never be free until the chantry releases its stranglehold on the lives of mages.” The words felt sour in his mouth, but Anders knew they were true.

Fenris knew Anders was right, but his words still angered him. It was all just too unfair. They had overcome so much, but it still wasn’t enough and they were going to die for it. He was too weak to fight Danarius now, just going to the market and back had sucked up all his energy and all he wanted to do was sleep. Fenris couldn’t stand the thought that it was his fault he was dying, that if he had tried harder, accomplished more, he wouldn’t be in this situation. That maybe if he hadn’t sought help, Anders wouldn’t have ended up like this as well. 

“I cannot fight Danarius as I am now, and you have a week at most before you end up like me, barely able to walk to the market and back. I respected Justice’s wish to not harm these spirits, but that may be our only option.”

Fenris didn’t care about the wisps, not really. He only relented the night before because it mattered to Justice, but if his and Anders’ lives were at stake he would do what was needed. Maybe Justice saw the spirits as innocent, but they would kill him and Anders all the same. 

In truth, though it would hurt Justice, Anders would kill the wisps instead of simply letting them kill him and Fenris. The problem is that he didn’t know how they could possibly kill them without killing themselves in the process. Also the potential for causing tranquility was too frightening to want to gamble on. “I’ve thought of that, but I’ve no idea how to kill them without killing ourselves and,” Anders broke off, still disturbed by the memory of Fenris staring blankly at him. “You didn’t see yourself after you pulled that flower from your chest. If killing the wisp does that to you, I think I’d rather just die.”

Fenris narrowed his eyes, “That is not your decision to make, mage,” He stood, trying not to wobble despite the rush of dizziness he felt. “I will find a way to fix this, with or without your help. We will not die like this, even if we must kill the wisps.”

Fenris took two steps toward the door and then buckled, his breathing labored. He just couldn’t get enough air for even that action. He gasped, trying to draw in air, but the flowers in his lungs only constricted more, making it even harder to breathe while digging in painfully. He coughed and wheezed, spitting a mixture of blood and flower petals onto the floor, then he blacked out.

Anders rushed to Fenris as he swooned, he grabbed him and cushioned his fall to the floor. He gently laid him out. Fenris’ pulse was rapid and erratic beneath his fingers. Anders’ own heart was racing. He tried to reach for Justice to ease his panic, but couldn’t find him against his consciousness. He waited the longest ten seconds of his life, praying to the Maker, the Dalish gods, anyone who would listen, please, please don’t take Fenris from him, but Fenris still wasn’t breathing.

Anders placed his hands in position in the center of Fenris’ chest. He winced at the cracking sound of Fenris’ ribs breaking beneath him as he started the chest compressions. Anders eyes were streaming, his own breathing had begun to seize in his panic, but he could not, would not stop. Anders had very little breath of his own, but what he did have he would gladly give to Fenris. He paused the compressions to tilt Fenris’ chin, opened his mouth, plugged his nose and breathed into him.

Fenris gasped and his eyes flew open as he felt the lump in his chest shift and unfurl. His brands pulsed as he felt the spirits that had been dwelling there take flight. You are fulfilled, there is no room for us here. His eyes focused and he saw Anders above him, and felt his lips pressed against his, their breath becoming one. He grabbed Anders’ shoulder, pushed him off, and promptly threw up his lunch. It sloshed onto the clinic floor, and across Anders’ boots. After that, the coughing began. This time, he only hacked up dry and wilted flowers. 

Anders lost his balance as Fenris threw him off of him. He rolled onto his side and watched Fenris be sick. He breathed heavily, trying to get his breath back. He tried to gather some healing magic in his hand to ease Fenris’ pain, but he couldn’t muster the strength to do so. Instead he just laid there watching, relieved Fenris was breathing on his own again.

He saw the wilted petals on the ground, but couldn’t seem to conclude what it meant. “Fenris…” he gasped. “Are you….?”

Fenris wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and rolled over laying on his back. He could still feel some flowers rattling around in his chest, but he could tell they were dead. He would likely be hacking them up for the next week, but the spirits were gone. They would no longer grow.

“I-I believe I am cured,” He was a bit bewildered, “What did you do?”

“Rescue,” he gasped. “It’s called rescue breathing.” His lungs were spasming, he couldn’t get enough breath to speak. He held his breath for a moment, then let it go. His breathing was still shallow, but it came easier. “I sort of manually forced you to breathe. First by pressing your chest and forcing oxygenated blood through your body, then opening your air passages by breathing into your mouth.”

The rhyme came back to Fenris’ mind,  
“In the fields, flowers grow among  
If they take up in the lung  
A lover must take your breath  
Or the flower will yield death”

The wisps were love, they had left when Anders took a breath for Fenris. Anders had the exact same symptoms Fenris had, so he also had the same wisps. Fenris tried to push back his feelings, Anders’ life was at stake, he couldn’t start being selfish now. He had to find the one Anders loved and bring them together. He had no idea who it could be. From the way Anders acted, it seemed he didn’t desire anyone beyond a physical way. Panic flared in Fenris’ chest. What if it was Karl he was pining for, then Anders would be doomed. At that moment, Fenris noticed Anders was still laying on his side, he was trying to control his breathing, but Fenris could still tell he was struggling. How had it advanced so quickly?

“Anders, you are very unwell, it seems the disease is affecting you much faster than it did me,” Fenris sat up, and crept to his knees beside Anders, wrapping his arms around him, “I think I have an idea of what to do to assist you, but first allow me to get you to a cot.” Fenris easily picked Anders up, and gently laid him down in the nearest cot.

Anders leaned into Fenris as he helped him onto the cot. He felt light headed, foggy, but the important thing was that Fenris was okay. Now that he had calmed a bit, he tried to summon more magic to heal Fenris’ ribs, but he couldn’t. “There’s some potions in the cupboard. Take one, for your ribs.” He tried to sit up, but he couldn’t, so he laid back and tried to breathe deep. “What do you think happened?”

Fenris strode over to the cupboard and downed one of the potions, “I… have a theory. I am not sure if it is correct, I will have to speak to Varric and Isabela. I will return soon, so just rest.”

Fenris did his best to clean himself up, and then changed into his armor and strapped his sword to his back. It felt good to armed and armored again. He still felt a little weak, but his breathing came much easier. He hoped he’d be able to save Anders as well. 

~

Fenris ran into Isabela at the top of the lift, and she looked as startled to see him as he was her.

“Fenris? Hawke told me you were sick. Did she lie? Or did Anders’ healing touch fix that for you?” She somehow made even that sound like innuendo, but under her flippant tone she sounded concerned.

“I am fine, but Anders is ill as well. I think I know how to cure him, but I need your help, and Varric’s as well. You both know him better than I,” Fenris said. He didn’t as what she was doing on her way to Darktown, Fenris knew she was on her way to check on him. Isabela may not admit it, but she cared for her friends more than she let on.

“Well, let’s go. Maker knows we owe Anders for saving all our hides when we needed healing.”

Fenris was exhausted by the time they reached Varric’s suite in the Hanged Man, and he offered no argument when Varric told him to seat himself. The chairs were a bit small for him, but he didn’t look as comical as Isabela did, trying to fit her longer human legs comfortably. She gave up and perched on the table.

“Maker, so Blondie’s sick too now? So we have to find a way to heal the healer,” Varric said.

“The disease is not physical, it’s magical. We got it because there were wisps nesting inside of us. Justice said they were trying to fill a void… and I believe he was correct. Anders was able to cure me. I need to find the one who will be able to cure Anders. So do either of you know of anyone Anders might be in love with? Who could fill the void in him and banish the wisps?”

Isabela had a steadily growing grin, and by the end of Fenris’ story she was outright smirking, “Oh Fenris, you’re just too much. So, Anders ‘filled your void’, don’t worry, I won’t ask for details, and now you want to hand him off to someone else? Of course it’s you he’s in love with. Idiots, both of you.”

Varric shook his head, smiling, “It would be just like you two to be too stubborn to admit your feelings and then die because of it. Tragic comedy. I may write that in a book, but the last thing I want is real life ending that way, so go, get your mage.”

“I am being serious here. I… love him. I can admit that now, but he couldn’t possibly love me. Please, I need you to think, anything he may have said to you. I need to find the one he loves, he will die otherwise,” Fenris said. He was starting to panic. How could Varric and Isabela not understand how dire this was? He was well aware of the kind of gallows humor they enjoyed, but Anders could die.

“Calm down elf, we are being serious. I wouldn’t joke when Blondie’s life is on the line. He’s my favorite brooding apostate. But you need to get your head out of your ass, or he will die. Just go back and tell him, he feels the same, you’ll see,” Varric said.

Fenris didn’t know if he should believe them. It was too much to be hope for. He had already resigned himself to setting Anders up with his love to save his life but… Could it really be him? His mind ran wild with thoughts of the future he could have with Anders if Varric and Isabela were right. But he couldn’t let himself get distracted by that now. Varric had an overactive imagination, and Isabela could be misreading Anders. He would have to ask Anders himself. He had wanted to avoid that, didn’t want to confess to Anders only to be rejected, but he had no choice now. He would do what it took to save his love’s life.

~

Anders was asleep on the cot where Fenris had left him that afternoon. Fenris had been gone barely an hour, but he could immediately tell something was wrong when Anders did not react to the door being opened. He approached the cot, and gently shook Anders’ shoulder to wake him. No reaction. Now that Fenris was close, he could see that Anders’ face was unusually pale and his lips had a slight blue tint. Heart hammering, Fenris knelt down beside the cot, leaning his ear in. His heart was still beating, and his lungs were working, but his breaths were so shallow. He hoped Varric and Isabela were right, because there was no time left. Anders wasn’t long for this world if he didn’t act now.

He tried to remember what Anders had done to breathe for him. He gently gripped Anders’ chin, tilting his head up slightly and parting his lips, then covered them with his own, and released a breath. He pulled away, nothing. He felt numb inside, but he had to try, he had no other option, he leaned back in, and tried again. This time, he pinched Anders’ nose shut, and breathed into him.

Anders watched Fenris leave. He knew he would be back, knew Fenris wouldn’t leave him, but he didn’t want him to go. He couldn’t take a deep breath without choking and there was a part of him that was curious over why the disease progressed so quickly, but he couldn’t really focus on it enough to care. It simply had and now he was alone without Fenris or Justice to comfort him as he dies. 

Anders wished he had told Fenris how he felt. Wished he had the courage to face both Fenris and himself with the truth: he loved him. All the admiration, all the frustration, all the want, culminated into small moments of hope and desire and grew into something bigger than he could ever have. His only comfort was knowing that Fenris would be alright before the world fogged and went black. 

Then bright.

Then an overwhelming warmth filled Anders to his very core, as rapturous and wonderful as it was frightening and painful. For a brief moment Anders wondered if he died and somehow made it to the Maker’s side. Then his eyes focused and he could see it was his clinic around him and not the Golden City. He could feel warmth and pressure against his mouth that may have been coming from the fringe of white hair that had fallen into his eyes. It wasn’t until Justice’s voice filled his mind pleading for him to breathe that he gained enough strength to shove Fenris away and get violently ill over the side of the cot.

He emptied the contents of his stomach, a large wad of flowers going with it. He gasped down a desperate breath and his body convulsed again in dry heaves with more petals following. He repeated the process for what seemed like ages until he was panting and spitting. Finally he gathered enough strength to pull himself into a sitting position and face Fenris. “What the fuck?” 

Fenris didn’t mind the vomit, or Anders’ confused spluttering, he just leaned in and pulled Anders into his arms. “It worked, I almost cannot believe it,” he said. He pulled away briefly, just enough that he could see Anders’ face, “I have fallen for you, Anders. That is what I was bereft of, and it seems you were too.”

He would have kissed Anders, but he had just vomited, so he settled for pressing his lips to his forehead, “I would like to stay with you, if you will have me.”

Anders was confused. So much had just happened, but it felt good to lean into Fenris’ embrace. His words sunk in and suddenly it made sense. A lover must take your breath. “Oh,” he whispered reverently. He wrapped his arms around Fenris, joy making his eyes water. “Oh Fenris. A million times yes. I-” He sucked in a breath to hold back a sob. “I have wanted you for longer than I would let myself admit.”

He held Fenris tight and cried openly. He would live. He would thrive. And most importantly, he would be allowed to love.

~

Fenris’ latest mercenary job had not gone well. The other mercenaries had been unseasoned and disorganized, and when the caravan had been attacked on the coast he did not have sufficient backup and had taken a nasty wound to his side. Thankfully, he had been equipped with the knowledge of how to treat it, and it would be fine until he got home. Home. It had been months but he could still hardly believe he had somewhere he was comfortable to call that. On his way back, Fenris decided to stop at the Lowtown market on a whim. He had a bit of extra coin from the day’s work, and he had something specifically in mind he wanted to buy.

Thankfully, the merchant was still there selling their incense and pendants, Fenris picked out the brass cat pendant, and a lavender incense that he thought Justice would find soothing. With his purchase in hand, he set of for Darktown, he was impatient to be home, his side still ached and he was eager to back with Anders.

It was early in the afternoon when he arrived at the clinic, the lantern was still lit and Anders was busy with patients.

“I promise your baby isn’t broken, Ser,” Anders said with bemusement. It seemed like yesterday that Fenris performed his first impromptu baby delivery, but the little girl was sitting up on her own and crying her eyes out on Anders’ worktable. He had an idea what was wrong. He stuck a finger in her mouth and felt around and sure enough, tiny little teeth were beginning to break through her gums. “She’s just teething. Give her some dried meat or a strip of leather to chew on to ease the pain. If that doesn’t work I have some elfroot extract you can rub into her gums, but only use it if absolutely necessary and only a drop at a time.”

He gave a tiny bottle of diluted elfroot extract to the man and sent him on his way just as Fenris made it home. Anders still felt a little thrill every time Fenris came home. He smiled and crossed the few paces to pull Fenris into an embrace with a chaste kiss. “Welcome back,” he said warmly.

Fenris gratefully sank Anders’ embrace, he returned the embrace, careful to not let his gauntlets catch on Anders’ coat, “As always I am delighted to be home. The job was not entirely without trials, but we successfully saw to the shipment’s delivery. I also brought you a gift.”

He grinned. “You didn’t have to do that.” He reached to tuck Fenris’ hair behind his ear but stopped cold when he spotted a smear of blood on his palm. “What’s this? Are you hurt?”

“It is nothing serious, just a cut on my side. But healing would still be welcome,” Fenris knew the wound would have healed easily on its own, but he was always touched by how Anders cared for him. 

Anders was relieved to find it wasn’t deep as he healed it. He was also pleased with how well Fenris bandaged himself up. He wasn’t surprised that he’s picked up on Anders’ techniques, Fenris soaked up information like a sponge. He finished the healing spell and looked up at Fenris is mocked seriousness. “Now Serrah, you know I can only give free healing to the truly needy, which you are not. So I’m afraid I’m going to have to collect some payment from you.” 

Anders tapped the corner of his mouth expectantly with mischief in his eyes.

Fenris grinned and leaned in to plant a kiss on Anders’ mouth, “For services rendered,” he said. “Now, the matter of your gift.” Fenris fumbled with the wrapped package, accidentally tearing the paper in the process before he managed to hand it to Anders.

Anders sighed into the kiss. “That’s a good down payment, but I’m afraid you will have to pay the rest later,” he said with no small amount of innuendo. He smiled at Fenris’ clumsiness with the package he held. What could have had him so shaken? He carefully unwrapped it to reveal a pendant with the silhouette of a cat cut into it and a small bundle of herbs. 

“Oh how cute!” He quickly arranged it to put it around his neck. “Could you help me with the clasp?” 

Fenris unbuckled his gauntlets and tossed them onto the nearest cot and moved behind Anders to clasp the necklace. When he was done he pressed a kiss to the back of Anders’ neck.

“The cat made me think of you and I thought Justice would find the scent of lavender soothing.”

It surprised Anders that Fenris thought of Justice as well, but then again they had been speaking quite often. Anders noticed a certain eagerness from Justice when they planned what Anders jokingly started to call their little dates. He could feel Justice was happy that Fenris thought of him with the gift. He turned around and placed a small kiss on Fenris' cheek and gently cradled the pendant in his hand and rubbed his thumb over it. "Thank you, you didn't have to do this."

Fenris shrugged, “It was nothing, and worth it to see you smile.” He brought his hands up to finger at the clasp of Anders’ coat, “Now what was that you said about payment? I am not one to leave my debts unpaid.”

Anders hummed and leaned in for another kiss, this one just a little more heated than the last. He brought his hands up to Fenris’ neck, running his thumbs over his jaw. He pulled his body in closer to Fenris and deepened the kiss. He ran his hands down Fenris’ body, resting one between his shoulder blades and the other at the small of his back. 

He moved from his lover’s mouth to his neck, kissing the juncture of his jaw. He slipped his tongue along the skin there just enough to tease and whispered into Fenris’ ear. “Let me close up real quick.” Anders quickly dropped his arms and stepped away from Fenris with a smirk. He slowly walked to the door of the clinic, extinguished the lamp, and locked up.

Later that night, Fenris laid curled in bed pressed against Anders’ chest. Anders had already fallen asleep, but Fenris had stayed awake, listening to his steady breathing. Moonlight poured in through the window that was high above them and bathed the room in a silvery glow. He propped himself up on his elbow and watched Anders with half lidded eyes. In sleep his face was softened, but Fenris could still see the lines around his eyes. 

He looked peaceful, and Fenris ran his thumb across his cheek, tracing his face. It was still hard to believe it had all worked out like this. Fenris would never have guessed the secret crush he had harbored would end with him and Anders- and Justice- together. For the first time in his life, Fenris was truly happy. He had no idea what the future would bring, but he knew whatever was in store for them they would face it together. He settled back down closing his, and drifted into sleep, listening to Anders’ steady heartbeat.


End file.
